Worst.Birthday.Ever.

So it's my birthday. woo-hoo... here's been my day so far:

*Wake up at 5:15am to go to work.
*Throw up on my way out the door. Why? Who knows...
*Work for 4 hours... boring... Plus during my shift, the stomach pain I've been having kept getting worse and worse until I couldn't stand upright.
*Call the OB/GYN I'm supposed to see next Wednesday... They couldn't see me any earlier, so they recommended I go the emergency room to make sure it wasn't something major.
*Blood work and ultrasound at the emergency room. They don't know what is wrong, but urgent problems were ruled out.

I'm at my parent's house for dinner now, just sitting here on the computer watching my husband play video games while my mom cooks dinner. Worst.Birthday.Ever.

Maybe it'll get better from here?

Happy Birthday to me...

Do you remember when we were little and birthdays were the most exciting day of the whole year? I think the higher the number gets, the less exciting they become... Tomorrow that number will be 23 for me. I'm excited in a way, but mostly just sad. I'm 23, another year has come and passed and I'm still not a mommy. There are only 9 years remaining until when I want to be done having all my kids. I don't feel happy and ready to party, I just feel old...

My co-workers laugh, oh you're not old... you're still a baby. I think it's not that I feel old as in elderly, I feel old for where I am in my life. By the time I was 23, I wanted to be a mom. That didn't work out because I married a guy who was 3 months younger than me. Sometimes when I make comments like that, he asks me if I wish I'd married someone older who had more money who could've made me a stay at home mom by now. It makes me feel bad when he asks that, because that couldn't be farther from the truth. I do wish I was a stay at home mom by now, but only to his kids. It's not that I wish I'd married a richer man, it's that I wish he was richer.

At least I still get presents. :-\

Depressed tonight.... :-(

This has to be the most frustrating part of TTC so far. When we first decided we wanted to start TTC back in September, we had to wait until my cycle went back to normal after the depo. That was incredibly frustrating but at least I felt like there was a reason for what was happening. Now that I'm 6 days late and I've gotten yet another BFN, I'm wondering what the heck is wrong with me. Clearly I'm not going to get pregnant if I don't ovulate. Where is AF? I feel like sitting down and crying... It's worse than the 2ww because I don't even know if it'll just be 2 weeks! It might be longer, it might be shorter.

The unknown sucks.

I just want a baby... I want to be pregnant. My friends are pregnant and they're planning their nurseries and picking out names and talking about feeling the kicks. I want to be there!!! And I want to hold my baby and touch his soft skin and smell his little head.

I think I'll go to bed and cry now, okay?

BFN :(

6 days late, and a BFN. What the heck? I have to say, this is way more frustrating than any other part of TTC so far. At least when we started back in September with waiting for my cycle to start after the depo there was something to cause my lack of periods! Now there's no explanation... just me being screwy.

I was so disappointed when the little hour glass disappeared and the "Not Pregnant" popped up... :(

CD35?

Still no period... what the heck?

I've been cramping off and on, and today I'm horribly nauseated. I have been taking an antibiotic since Thursday though due to a mrsa skin infection, so that could be making me feel sick. (On my face, no fun!! on thursday it was so swollen I could hardly talk.)

So now what? I hate waiting... but I guess that's all that can be done!!

CD32??

Still nothing.... On CD29, I was a little crampy. I expected her to be right on time, but AF must've gotten detoured on her way to visit me because here I am, 3 days later, still waiting.


I wish I could say yay, the first test was wrong, but no. :-( I tested again this morning and it was another BFN. Anyone else tested on the day AF was due and the day after and been pregnant anyways? I doubt it... :-( So where the heck is she?

CD31 or CD1?

AF is due today... and nothing so far.

I was awake most of last night with some stomach flu or something... and as I was sitting awake, wondering if DH would even notice if I aspirated and died (he slept thru the whole thing), I couldn't help but think maybe I tested too early before and it was a false negative... So this morning, I tested again. Stupid little pink line...

Work was long... I was depressed, I felt like crap, I was exhausted and it was a bad day for the whole office. (One of our employees was in a pretty bad car accident this morning and was rushed to the hospital. She was in surgery most of the day, and the normal light atmosphere was exchanged for worried silence.) When 4pm came, I was so glad to get out of there!

I guess the moral of the day should've been this: what do I have to be depressed about? But still, what a depressing day...

Baby dreams

Do you guys ever dream about being pregnant? I did last night. I dreamed about peeing on the test and then watching that second line appear. Then I dreamed about telling my family and how excited they were.

When I woke up this morning, I couldn't resist testing. My period isn't due until Tuesday but I was hoping that just maybe it would be positive.... but of course it wasn't. So here I am, depressed more than ever. I used a first response test, so I'm thinking it's correct- I'm really not pregnant this month.

Bummer.

somewhere, someone has to have it worse than you.

Did your mom say that to you when you complained when you were little? My mom did. I always wondered- what about that poor kid, the one who has it the worst? What does his mom say?

Sometimes even the most brilliant minds are a little ditzy.

I tested tonight... I couldn't help it!!! I know, it's way too early. I know, it's a waste of money. But somewhere deep inside me I was hoping it would be positive... just in time for Mother's day. Then I could celebrate Mother's day as a brand new mommy to be, and what better time to tell the grandmas to be?

It's negative. I'm certain it is. But when I first did it, I thought maybe there was a ghost of a second pink line. I got this brilliant plan that maybe if I uploaded a picture of the test to my computer, I could make the image colors negative and be able to see better. So I snap a picture of the test and run to my computer.

I thought I remembered that you could slide the memory card into a slot on the front of the computer, but the room was kinda dark so I couldn't see. I felt around with my fingers a bit, and sure enough, several little vertical slots were found! I shoved the card into one, and it went in, but didn't click in place. Same thing with the next... and the next.

A flashlight revealed my ditzy-ness: I'd been shoving my memory card over and over into the fan vent slots.

OOPS!

Try, try, again... something different.

Standing in a grocery store makes me think sometimes. Tonight, it was at checkout. There was a lady with 2 kids, one who was about 2 years old. This kid was standing in the cart, jumping around, screaming and grabbing at stuff. The mom kept saying "Stop. You need to stop." After a couple minutes, I seriously wanted to say "Not to be rude, but I don't think that's working." Now I've heard the expression "try, try, again", and to be honest I don't know who came up with the phrase, but I just doubt they meant to do the same exact thing over and over.

They say you have tons of parenting techniques... until you have kids. I'm sure this is true, and I don't pretend to be an expert. I don't claim to have the answer to a 2 year old who won't stop, but I do think this: I'd have to think that if that was me, there is something inside me that after 15 tries over 2 minutes, I would have to stop and think maybe I should try something else...

I don't have all the answers to parenting, but here's a few things I've picked up over the years:
*If one of your kids has the other locked in the ice chest freezer at walmart, you may need a new parenting technique.
*If one of your kids has the other held up by his ankles out the car window so he can reach the toy on the ground, you may need a new technique. (note: this was in a parking lot. obviously if the car had been in motion, I'd have called the police.)

OPKs and the two week wait

So it's month 2 of using OPKs to chart ovulation. Last month, I wasn't sure if I was going to ovulate because my cycle was just going back to normal after the depo. I was expecting that if I did ovulate, it would be on CD14 or 15. I'm not going to lie, I cried on CD14 when the little test line was so light. But to my surprise, on CD15, the test line was definitely darker than the control! It was definitely a positive. Now a month later, I thought I knew what to expect. But, on CD13, the test line was fairly dark- but definitely not as dark as the control. That threw me off a little because last month all the tests up until to CD15 were as light as could be. Then, CD14, the test line was pretty much non-existent. And today, CD15, again the test line was just barely visible. So where was my positive test? Did I catch the beginning or end of it on CD13 and I ovulated earlier than last month? Or did I not ovulate at all?

I've been pondering the 2 week wait as I wait to ovulate. Last month I thought "Now I ovulated! Certainly it will happen this month!" This month I'm thinking that it's so unlikely to get pregnant on the very first try. But now this is our second, surely it will happen this month! At what point does your mindset change? On your 6th cycle trying, do you start to realize "It just might not be this month"? On your 12th cycle do you start to give up? I know, in a way, that there is only a 1 in 5 chance that this will be the month. But at the same time, I know that I will cry the day that AF comes... if she comes this time.

Whoever knew....

I never knew there was so much peeing involved with trying to get pregnant... first OPKs, then HPTs! And that's before I even start with the frequency of urination symptom of pregnancy.

Last month, it worked out perfectly- I ovulated on a weekend. This month it's going to fall on a Tuesday or a Wednesday, of course on a day I was scheduled to close at work. DH leaves the house at 7am, and I wouldn't be getting home until after 9pm. I was able to switch my shifts so I'll be getting home around the same time as DH and leaving in the morning around the same time, but what would I have done if I couldn't switch my shift?

Trying to get pregnant works a lot better if you're able to have sex, just sayin'.