This morning, I was driving to work. It was still dark out, but perfectly clear. Then all the sudden it was like I hit a wall of thick fog. It was so spooky! I was listening to my normal morning radio show and they were playing spooky music and telling scary stories. Even though I don't believe in ghosts, I was getting a little creeped out. At this point, some snow and ice slid off the roof of my car and landed with a loud bang on my trunk. If you look closely, I'm pretty sure my head left an imprint on the roof I jumped so high.
Happy Halloween!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
"I need to know it will be okay"
Yesterday on my way to work, I was breaking down, falling apart. Work has been so stressful and both DH and I agree the stress is a big part of why I haven't gotten pregnant. (when you're so exhausted and busy you don't have sex, that will do it... When I do have sex it's forced and because I think we should) I've been really upset with all this recently because it's always been my dream to be a sahm, so I feel like I'm selling my life's dream for this job I don't want. But, with DH still in college, what choice do I have?
December is just around the corner. 7 weeks until he graduates to be exact. He's applying for jobs already even. The thing is that as close as we are, it feels so very far away. We figured out how much money he needs to bring in for me to be able to not work, and judging by the average salary for his field starting out, we'll be close... If he gets a good job, it's very do able. If not, who knows how long I'll be stuck working to make ends meet. The knowledge that this might not be over soon overwhelms me to the point of tears. This needs to be over soon, it needs to be.
That brings us to yesterday: me, crying in my car, begging God for it to be okay. For DH to find a good job, for me to get pregnant, and for it to all just be okay. Today, my neighbor calls. She doesn't know we're trying to get pregnant or that we're looking to buy a house at some point soon. (we currently live in a one bedroom apartment, if we're going to start a family we either need a bigger apartment or a house. We figure with the housing market the way that it is, we should at least look at houses.) My neighbor called to tell me that she dreamed about me last night. She dreamed that I lost a lot of weight (I'm already down by 15 pounds!) and I got pregnant, and DH got a job, and we bought a house. She started crying at this point because the house was farther away than she wanted it to be. She doesn't know this, but we're not looking in this area. Basically, she dreamed exactly what I'm hoping for.
I don't know that I believe in "signs". When someone dies and I see a butterfly, I think it's a pretty butterfly, not that the dead person wanted me to know that they're okay or something like that. Her dream, though, is just so perfect... Maybe I do believe in signs? And maybe I just want it to be a sign because I want those things to happen.
December is just around the corner. 7 weeks until he graduates to be exact. He's applying for jobs already even. The thing is that as close as we are, it feels so very far away. We figured out how much money he needs to bring in for me to be able to not work, and judging by the average salary for his field starting out, we'll be close... If he gets a good job, it's very do able. If not, who knows how long I'll be stuck working to make ends meet. The knowledge that this might not be over soon overwhelms me to the point of tears. This needs to be over soon, it needs to be.
That brings us to yesterday: me, crying in my car, begging God for it to be okay. For DH to find a good job, for me to get pregnant, and for it to all just be okay. Today, my neighbor calls. She doesn't know we're trying to get pregnant or that we're looking to buy a house at some point soon. (we currently live in a one bedroom apartment, if we're going to start a family we either need a bigger apartment or a house. We figure with the housing market the way that it is, we should at least look at houses.) My neighbor called to tell me that she dreamed about me last night. She dreamed that I lost a lot of weight (I'm already down by 15 pounds!) and I got pregnant, and DH got a job, and we bought a house. She started crying at this point because the house was farther away than she wanted it to be. She doesn't know this, but we're not looking in this area. Basically, she dreamed exactly what I'm hoping for.
I don't know that I believe in "signs". When someone dies and I see a butterfly, I think it's a pretty butterfly, not that the dead person wanted me to know that they're okay or something like that. Her dream, though, is just so perfect... Maybe I do believe in signs? And maybe I just want it to be a sign because I want those things to happen.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
I just don't think I can.
How am I supposed to do something I hate, day after day after day? How am I supposed to keep fighting when everyday feels like one day more than I can take? How am I supposed to daily sell myself to something I couldn't care less about? Do I not matter at all? Do my dreams not have any value? Does what I want carry no weight?
I just don't think I can.
I just don't think I can.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Lost....
That's how I feel right now. Lost, overwhelmed, over looked and unloved. Is there anyone out there? Anyone? Can anyone hear me at all? If I ceased to exist would anyone pause to notice?
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Celebration dinner!!
Tonight I made myself an awesome celebration dinner in honor of my weight loss! I made Chesapeake chicken and sautéed asparagus. It was yummy!!! I used low fat cream cheese for the crab filling and it was surprisingly low in calories. :-) yummy!
Weight loss
I've been trying hardcore to lose weight. That's been everyone's #1 advice for me to get pregnant: loose weight. So far, since September 25 (less than a month ago!) I've lost 11.2 pounds!! Go me!!
I'm serious about wanting to get pregnant. It's my life's dream. I'm doing this healthy and eating at least 1200 calories a day. To be honest though, if I was told I'd never be able to get pregnant unless I never eat again, I'd let myself starve.
Thankfully that isn't needed. I'm losing weight really well and not starving myself at all!!
I'm serious about wanting to get pregnant. It's my life's dream. I'm doing this healthy and eating at least 1200 calories a day. To be honest though, if I was told I'd never be able to get pregnant unless I never eat again, I'd let myself starve.
Thankfully that isn't needed. I'm losing weight really well and not starving myself at all!!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
2WW- 1 week down, 1 to go!
My period is due a week from yesterday. That means I'm halfway done with the 2WW! As you might remember, this month I didn't chart or anything. In fact, I was paying so little attention that I didn't realize until 4 days after ovulation that I should've ovulated. Because of that, I wasn't stressed or anything about it. I'm hoping that not stressing is what my body needed to conceive and this will be the month. DH and I are feeling better and better about our finances (even though I'm not telling our plan yet!) so we're hoping I get pregnant soon.
When I saw my ob/gyn in may, she suggested that the reason I hadn't conceived yet is because I am so overweight. She said even losing a little, like 10 pounds, would help a lot. I knew I needed to, but I put off trying. Last month I started trying to lose weight hardcore. As of yesterday, I'm down by 9.8 pounds from September 25! Go me! At ovulation, I was down by about 7 pounds. Maybe between the not stressing and the weight loss, this will do it! Here's hoping!!! Now here's hoping this next week flies by.
When I saw my ob/gyn in may, she suggested that the reason I hadn't conceived yet is because I am so overweight. She said even losing a little, like 10 pounds, would help a lot. I knew I needed to, but I put off trying. Last month I started trying to lose weight hardcore. As of yesterday, I'm down by 9.8 pounds from September 25! Go me! At ovulation, I was down by about 7 pounds. Maybe between the not stressing and the weight loss, this will do it! Here's hoping!!! Now here's hoping this next week flies by.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Not preventing...
DH and I decided that since we still really want a baby and the only reason we're not actively trying is because of finances that we won't use birth control. We figure we tried for months and weren't successful, if it happens when we're not actively trying, it must've been meant to be. I wasn't tracking carefully my periods or anything since we weren't trying, but I thought my period was due last week. Turns out I was way off. I have a 30+ day cycle as it is, but I was confused since I thought I was late. I looked back at my posts from this blog and realized my period isn't due for another week or so. Also, I should've ovulated last Friday. Last Friday, I was off work so DH and I did the baby dance twice... :-) maybe this will be the month?
DH and I have been looking at the financial situation this week and we're pretty sure it's going to be just fine. Hopefully!! Cross your fingers! We have a plan, let's hope it works!
DH and I have been looking at the financial situation this week and we're pretty sure it's going to be just fine. Hopefully!! Cross your fingers! We have a plan, let's hope it works!
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