It's a rough life, but someone has to live it.

Wouldn't it be great to be a cat?

The ghost of Christmas past

Last year on Christmas, I remember thinking "I can't wait until next Christmas! DH will be almost done school, and I'll be at least pregnant, if we don't already have a baby!"
So where am I right now? Watching my baby sleep in his "Baby's First Christmas" jammies? Feeling my baby kick and thinking about pink vs. blue? Neither of the above. I'm sitting in a bath tub, drugged on Ativan. (The one benefit to being on my period on Christmas day, of all days, is I can at least drown my sorrows in sedatives.)
I'm wondering about next year. Where will next Christmas find me? I was full of hope last Christmas. I just knew I'd at least be pregnant by now. But the 1 little lonely pink line on my last pregnancy test assures me that I've lost the game again this month.
So here I am. It's Christmas day and I'm sitting alone in my bath tub, crying my eyes out. My husband doesn't get it. It's Christmas- my favorite day of the year! I prepared for today for months! I carefully knitted scarves and glued together snowmen ornaments. I wrapped presents and tied bows. I braved the black Friday sales and got DH the perfect gift. But I'm miserable. The thing I wanted most, Santa just couldn't bring. And as I think of my hopefulness last year, I wonder, will I ever get what I want the most? Next year, will I finally get to send out that Christmas card with the baby wrapped in the big bow proclaiming "It's my first Christmas!" Or will I find myself in a bathtub, wet and lonely, hoping next year.... Next year... Will finally be different?

"Santa can't bring me what I need, 'cuz, baby, all I want for Christmas is you."

Ally

DH and I got a kitty last week! Ally showed up on my co-workers porch and when she opened her door, ally walked right in! She wanted to find her a home before the weather turned off cold and we've been wanting a kitty, so we said we'd take her. I was nervous about how my dog buttons would react, but my neighbor has a cat who buttons gets along great with. So far it's been going really well!! I'm not a cat person by any means, but this little girl already has me wrapped around her little paw.

We took her to the vet two days after we brought her home and found out she had roundworm but is otherwise healthy. The vet gave her a pill for the roundworm and she's changed so much!! The roundworm made her lethargic so now she's much more energetic and happy. She plays more and is more adventurous. At first she wouldn't jump on anything or from furniture to furniture, now she's jumping up on the bed and the couch! This morning she got up in bed with us. :-)

In honor of our new baby, I made this blog layout kitten themed. :-)

Here's a picture of our new baby. I don't think I've posted one of buttons before so here's one of her too.

A few more pages in this chapter.

My mom warned me when DH and I got married that being married to a college student (and being the only one making
money) would be tough... Boy was she right. But still, I wouldn't trade being married for the world.

I was 18 when we started dating. Well, technically I was 2 days shy of my 18th birthday. DH was 3 months shy of his. We were graduating high school and making plans. Neither of us had ever been in a relationship before. It didn't take long before we were both head over heals. I think if we hadn't been so young, we'd have gotten married within a year of him asking me out. He changed everything I'd ever planned about waiting til my husband to be had a job and a house and a steady income. All I wanted was to be his wife.

I became his wife 3 years after we started dating. My mom said to wait. My dad was horrified that DH was doing this to his baby girl. They knew that it would be hard. They thought we couldn't handle it and we would break. They couldn't have been more wrong. Instead of breaking, we've become closer, stronger. I love DH more than I ever thought it was possible to love another person. And the same desire I had 5 and a half years ago is still the same today: all I want is to be his wife.

And this chapter will soon be ending. 2 weeks from tomorrow, I will be the proudest wife in attendance of the winter commencement ceremony. I'll watch my husband walk across the stage and receive his bachelor's degree in chemistry. It was hard, but it's almost over. I could cry, that thought makes me so happy. I miss my husband.

I wonder, what will the next chapter hold?

Not again...

There's always next month. :-(

In good news, DH has gotten some promising job leads! Maybe soon I will be able to reduce to part time. Once my stress level goes down, I think I'll get pregnant faster. Here's hoping anyway...

Just a little pink...

My period has always come on in a rush before. It was due anytime over the last 3 days. Yesterday I noticed a little pink, just a tiny smudge. Same thing this morning. All day I've been expecting my period to start, but the most I've gotten is a little pink. What does that mean? Any ideas?

A picture says a thousand words...

...about how I'm feeling right now.

I should have a baby by now...

We've reached that point where people who got pregnant after we started trying already have their babies. It hurts, remembering how hopeful I was when I learned they were pregnant that soon I would be too, to see them holding their little ones now. If I'd gotten pregnant off that first time trying, I'd have a baby by now. My pregnancy, labor and delivery... All of it would be over and I'd be holding my baby. Instead I'm exactly where I was 9 months ago- hoping this month will be different.

I hate the 2ww.

My mind fabricates symptoms when I know it's too early for there to be any. It's frustrating! Not only am I crampy and nauseated but it's too early for it to mean anything! I just want to be pregnant... :-(

Happy Halloween!

This morning, I was driving to work. It was still dark out, but perfectly clear. Then all the sudden it was like I hit a wall of thick fog. It was so spooky! I was listening to my normal morning radio show and they were playing spooky music and telling scary stories. Even though I don't believe in ghosts, I was getting a little creeped out. At this point, some snow and ice slid off the roof of my car and landed with a loud bang on my trunk. If you look closely, I'm pretty sure my head left an imprint on the roof I jumped so high.

Happy Halloween!

"I need to know it will be okay"

Yesterday on my way to work, I was breaking down, falling apart. Work has been so stressful and both DH and I agree the stress is a big part of why I haven't gotten pregnant. (when you're so exhausted and busy you don't have sex, that will do it... When I do have sex it's forced and because I think we should) I've been really upset with all this recently because it's always been my dream to be a sahm, so I feel like I'm selling my life's dream for this job I don't want. But, with DH still in college, what choice do I have?
December is just around the corner. 7 weeks until he graduates to be exact. He's applying for jobs already even. The thing is that as close as we are, it feels so very far away. We figured out how much money he needs to bring in for me to be able to not work, and judging by the average salary for his field starting out, we'll be close... If he gets a good job, it's very do able. If not, who knows how long I'll be stuck working to make ends meet. The knowledge that this might not be over soon overwhelms me to the point of tears. This needs to be over soon, it needs to be.
That brings us to yesterday: me, crying in my car, begging God for it to be okay. For DH to find a good job, for me to get pregnant, and for it to all just be okay. Today, my neighbor calls. She doesn't know we're trying to get pregnant or that we're looking to buy a house at some point soon. (we currently live in a one bedroom apartment, if we're going to start a family we either need a bigger apartment or a house. We figure with the housing market the way that it is, we should at least look at houses.) My neighbor called to tell me that she dreamed about me last night. She dreamed that I lost a lot of weight (I'm already down by 15 pounds!) and I got pregnant, and DH got a job, and we bought a house. She started crying at this point because the house was farther away than she wanted it to be. She doesn't know this, but we're not looking in this area. Basically, she dreamed exactly what I'm hoping for.
I don't know that I believe in "signs". When someone dies and I see a butterfly, I think it's a pretty butterfly, not that the dead person wanted me to know that they're okay or something like that. Her dream, though, is just so perfect... Maybe I do believe in signs? And maybe I just want it to be a sign because I want those things to happen.

I just don't think I can.

How am I supposed to do something I hate, day after day after day? How am I supposed to keep fighting when everyday feels like one day more than I can take? How am I supposed to daily sell myself to something I couldn't care less about? Do I not matter at all? Do my dreams not have any value? Does what I want carry no weight?
I just don't think I can.

Lost....

That's how I feel right now. Lost, overwhelmed, over looked and unloved. Is there anyone out there? Anyone? Can anyone hear me at all? If I ceased to exist would anyone pause to notice?

Celebration dinner!!

Tonight I made myself an awesome celebration dinner in honor of my weight loss! I made Chesapeake chicken and sautéed asparagus. It was yummy!!! I used low fat cream cheese for the crab filling and it was surprisingly low in calories. :-) yummy!

Weight loss

I've been trying hardcore to lose weight. That's been everyone's #1 advice for me to get pregnant: loose weight. So far, since September 25 (less than a month ago!) I've lost 11.2 pounds!! Go me!!
I'm serious about wanting to get pregnant. It's my life's dream. I'm doing this healthy and eating at least 1200 calories a day. To be honest though, if I was told I'd never be able to get pregnant unless I never eat again, I'd let myself starve.
Thankfully that isn't needed. I'm losing weight really well and not starving myself at all!!

No baby this month... :-(

The title says it all, my friends.

2WW- 1 week down, 1 to go!

My period is due a week from yesterday. That means I'm halfway done with the 2WW! As you might remember, this month I didn't chart or anything. In fact, I was paying so little attention that I didn't realize until 4 days after ovulation that I should've ovulated. Because of that, I wasn't stressed or anything about it. I'm hoping that not stressing is what my body needed to conceive and this will be the month. DH and I are feeling better and better about our finances (even though I'm not telling our plan yet!) so we're hoping I get pregnant soon.
When I saw my ob/gyn in may, she suggested that the reason I hadn't conceived yet is because I am so overweight. She said even losing a little, like 10 pounds, would help a lot. I knew I needed to, but I put off trying. Last month I started trying to lose weight hardcore. As of yesterday, I'm down by 9.8 pounds from September 25! Go me! At ovulation, I was down by about 7 pounds. Maybe between the not stressing and the weight loss, this will do it! Here's hoping!!! Now here's hoping this next week flies by.

Not preventing...

DH and I decided that since we still really want a baby and the only reason we're not actively trying is because of finances that we won't use birth control. We figure we tried for months and weren't successful, if it happens when we're not actively trying, it must've been meant to be. I wasn't tracking carefully my periods or anything since we weren't trying, but I thought my period was due last week. Turns out I was way off. I have a 30+ day cycle as it is, but I was confused since I thought I was late. I looked back at my posts from this blog and realized my period isn't due for another week or so. Also, I should've ovulated last Friday. Last Friday, I was off work so DH and I did the baby dance twice... :-) maybe this will be the month?
DH and I have been looking at the financial situation this week and we're pretty sure it's going to be just fine. Hopefully!! Cross your fingers! We have a plan, let's hope it works!

Check yourself before you wreck yourself...

Its not a bad idea to examine your own life once in awhile and see just who you are. It's like the song "this is your life- are you who you want to be?" Am I who I want to be? I don't think I can answer yes to that question. I'm 23 and yes, I'm married, but that's the only part of my goal for myself I've accomplished. I want to be happy with preparing for my life the way I want it, but I'm not. Not at all. I'm tired of working, I'm ready to be at stay at home mom. I'm tired of a messy house because I don't have time to clean it. This is my life and I'm not who I want to be. Not even close.

But what can I do?

Motivation

I think I'm killing time in a good way. I decided since I can't get pregnant right now, I should work on being healthier. I downloaded an iPhone app to help me keep track of my calorie intake and exercise. So far I've been eating a lot healthier! At the end of the day, it tells you "if everyday were like today, you would weigh this much in 5 weeks". Such an eye opener! On Sunday, I went to visit my brother at college and ate out twice. That was the night I downloaded the program. I would gain 5 pounds in 5 weeks if I ate like that everyday! Since then, I've been eating less than 1500 calories each day. I learned that salad is pretty filling and low in calories if you top it with scallops. I learned that boiled eggs only have 70 calories and are a pretty filling breakfast. I think as I learn more tricks like that, eating healthy will keep getting easier. I'm excited to see results. According to my app, I should lose about 2 pounds per week. At that rate, within 9 months I should be back at my ideal weight! Hurray! :-) I'll look sexy and when we get this financial situation straightened out, I should have an easier time getting pregnant without this extra weight. :-)

At least I didnt spend money on a test...

Her timing left something to be desired though...

Waiting...

My period still hasn't come. This month is different though. I don't feel anxious, I don't feel stressed about it. I'm ambivalent. The reason why is simple: it doesn't matter at all. I don't think I'm currently pregnant (although DH is picking some pregnancy tests up for me to use tomorrow morning since that will be the one week late mark) and since we can't try, it doesn't matter at what point I am in my cycle. I've reached that broken acceptance point. It kills me, but it is what it is. My dream is dead, it's gone. By the time I have my first baby, I'll be 26 at least. There's just not much time to have my big happy family after that. I could blame my in-laws for telling DH that the insurance would be okay (in fact, I do blame them, I'm just not bitter anymore), or I could blame DH for believing them. The fact is though that nothing would change, nothing at all. The medical bills would still need to be paid.
I think about my dream: I can picture it so clearly because it's a scene I've experienced before. In my dream, I'm wearing an apron. That might seem weird, but it's not because there are cookies in the oven and I don't want to have to change my outfit before DH gets home. There are kids there too. One has brownish red hair and looks so much like me. She's holding a mixing bowl. I'm teasing her for eating the cookie dough. There's another kid there too- a blonde boy, sitting at the table. From time to time I walk over and help him with the school work he's working on. There's a toddler there too, in a play pen keeping himself occupied while mom is busy with the older kids and cooking. I've done this with my mom- I was the child, wearing the little apron so I could be just like mommy. I've always dreamed of one day being the mommy, the one in the adult sized apron with my daughter mimicking my every move and wanting to be just like me. Nothing else mattered.
When I was little, I wrote in my journal that I wanted to get married even though boys were gross because girls can't have babies by themselves and someone would need to work. Of course, desires change and I love DH more than my own life... But one thing hasn't: being a mom is my most important life goal. Everyday people use their last living thought to think of their unfinished goals. Someday, I'll be one of them. One or two of my kids might be there, but I'm pretty sure I'll always feel like someone is missing. Like my family should've been bigger. Like their 3rd and 4th siblings should've been there too, giving them a strength of numbers to deal with my loss.
Broken acceptance is a sad thing. It's a state of giving up, of letting go. But the hollow ache is so much more bearable than the anguish that accompanies a breaking heart.

Medical bills...

Looks like baby making is on hold again... This time semi-permanently. Turns out my dear DH was not covered by health insurance earlier this year when he had a major procedure done. We thought he had private insurance through FIL but he didn't and that is another story altogether. After the procedure when we found out he wasn't covered we applied for Medicaid and were denied. We apparently "make too much".
If any of you know anyone who is rich and wants to be less rich, let me know. If not, we'll probably have to wait until this is paid off to try and get pregnant, which may take years. I probably won't be on here for awhile... Baby makes three will hurt too much to read since there will be just us two.

Thanks for all your support while I've been trying, guys.

Still no period...

It's so frustrating! I have the official doctor's go ahead to try to get pregnant. My period was due on Friday.
Last Friday I took an ovulation test and it was positive. We did have sex within 24 hours, so it's possible I'm pregnant. That was the only time we had sex this month without a condom so I doubt I'm pregnant. I haven't even been taking my pre-natal because I ran out and I didn't make picking up more a priority since I didn't think I would be pregnant. I don't know why I would've ovulated that late anyhow.
Come on, AF. I want my cycle to start over so I can start trying!

Medically cleared! :-)

My hunch was right- the MRI was clear, my symptoms were probably caused by me wrenching my back and injuring a nerve. I have officially been cleared to try to get pregnant! Hurray! My symptoms are mostly gone now but my doctor thinks they will continue to subside and not bother me anymore. :-)

AMA

(against medical advice)

DH and I are officially trying to conceive again! The doctors said not to. I'm remembering that's advice, not an order. I'm not on any medication that would be bad for the baby if I got pregnant, so if the MRI results are bad and I'm pregnant, they'll just have to wait to fix it. I already had the MRI so that's not a concern either. My follow up is next Friday, I'll find out what's wrong for sure then. Hopefully it's nothing bad because if I get my way, they won't be able to do surgery on me for at least 9 months. :-)

My MIL asks too many questions. Back on Easter Sunday, we had the following conversation:
MIL: "My friend was just telling me yesterday how much fun having a grandbaby is! I commented on how I'll be able to experience that here soon, and she got all surprised and if you were pregnant. I told her no, you'll know when they are, that's for sure, they're just in that stage of life so I'm sure it will be soon."
I took 2 things from this statement: 1) I'd better not tell my mother in law that I'm expecting until I'm okay with the world knowing because her best friend will know "for sure" and 2) my MIL assumes way too much about my sex life and my plans for reproduction.
I replied quite nicely (and vaguely) with this statement:
"Oh my mom has been making comments about how we should have kids recently. I told her she would just have to wait until we're ready."
My mom hadn't been making comments. She didn't start that for like another month... Sigh. I just wanted a way of saying "you just have to wait" without saying "you just have to wait". I thought it worked.
Apparently there is something about your 2 year wedding anniversary- I guess if you haven't popped one out by then, you're behind on the stages of life. My bad, I didn't know that rule. MIL started making baby comments 6 months before our anniversary. My mom is a patient woman, she waited til 5 months before our anniversary to tell me she'd "done the math" and she was going to be old when her grand kid graduates high school. (hadn't thought of that mom! We were going to wait, but by golly we wouldn't want you in a wheelchair in the pictures of junior's high school graduation party so we'll get right on that for you...)
That worked, for awhile.... DH visited his mom this week without me, so that gave her the perfect opportunity to ask him the hard questions since she already knew I wasn't going to talk. She tried the same tactic: everyone is asking when you're going to have a baby. DH just laughed. Too non-committal. So she point blank asked- "you didn't answer, does that mean you're trying?"
How about this for an answer: "No! I didn't answer because it's not something we want people to know!" DH went for the more polite option and told her the truth: we weren't supposed to get pregnant while they didn't know what was wrong with my neck. (hey, it was true at the time.)
It frustrates me when people pry. I'll tell you when I'm pregnant. If I don't, you'll figure it out after like 5 months. ;-) if you ask questions and I shrug them off, it's because I don't want to answer. K, thanks.

An odd turn on, but I think he'll take what he can get.

Is it strange that babies turn me on? Not just a little. Not just I could do it right now. I'm talking full blown girl- woody.
DH and I went out together today and we were waiting in line behind a guy holding a baby. The guy was nothing spectacular, to be honest I can't really remember what he looked like. The baby on the other hand was so.freaking.adorable. Pudgy little legs, round little cheeks, and a fuzzy little head. And then... he yawned. I could've jumped DH right there in the middle of the waterpark. I'm only kidding a little when I say I considered using the family bathroom for something other than it's intended purpose. (I'm pretty sure you're supposed to take your family there, not MAKE your family there.)
DH wants to know if there is a good YouTube video of a baby yawning he can use for next time I'm not in the mood when he's ready to go... Who needs porn, anyhow?

Update

There's not really so much to update on, but I figured I should let my loyal readers know that I'm still alive, haha.
My symptoms with my neck have been getting less severe and I'm really hopeful that we'll be able to start trying again very soon!! I'm going for an MRI tomorrow and I follow up with the doctor a week from tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers!!!!

What to do when the baby dreams are gone

Since I'm not allowed to get pregnant, I figured I would do something I've been wanting to do and haven't been able to do: bleach my teeth! Since I work in a dental office, that's pretty easy to do. I already had bleaching trays so today I bought the bleach. Boy does this stuff taste nasty!!! I have to keep it in my mouth for an hour! Bleh.... :-( it's been 3 minutes so far! Well at least my teeth will be bright and white, right?

Pause....

A couple weeks ago I started noticing my fingers were tingling and numb. It's gotten progressively worse since then, now I have numbness all through my hands and shooting pains down my arms. I wish I could say I have no clue what this is, but this feeling is all too familiar. Several years ago I ruptured a disc in my lower back and had this pain in my legs. I had to have surgery to correct it.
Today I went to urgent care and sure enough, my symptoms are consistent with a bulging or a herniated disc. Lovely. There's a chance the round of steroids I'm on will magically fix it, but if not I have to put a pause on the baby making. I'm currently on my period so I'm safe through the end of the current steroid dose. If I'm still having symptoms after that though, I'll be looking at ibuprofen, MRIs and possibly surgery... None of which is very baby safe.
This sucks. Prayers that the steroids work are greatly appreciated!!!

No baby this month... :-(

I'll spare you the gory details, but it's quite safe to say that my baby dreams for this month are over.... Thank you, aunt flo for once again crushing a little part of me.
It may have actually been a blessing this month. Several years ago I had a pinched nerve in my back that resulted in severe nerve pain in my right leg and severe numbness in my foot. I had surgery to remove a portion of the disc in 2009. This past week I've been having similar symptoms in my hands, arms and shoulders. Some times my fingers are so numb I drop whatever I'm holding because I can't tell that I'm not holding it tightly anymore. I went to the urgent care but they couldn't do anything since I might have been pregnant. Now that I'm definitely not, they can shoot me up with radiation until I glow.... Or figure out what's wrong with me, whichever comes first. Hopefully they can fix this quickly since I'm fairly certain they're going to suggest we stop TTC while they work on getting me fingers again.
The other good thing about my period? Ativan! My doctor won't put me on any antidepressants while I'm not on birth control because they're not considered safe for pregnancy, but she did give me Ativan that I can take while I'm actually on my period. I'm feeling quite relaxed tonight if you can't tell. If I seem rambley or out of it, I apologize. :-)
So tomorrow my day off will be spent sleeping and then at urgent care once I wake up. That may not be until afternoon though!

CD30

Today is cycle day 30- before the depo when my cycle wasn't all out of whack, I would've started my period today. I worked today and I kept feeling leaks. I kept running to the bathroom thinking my period was starting. All I had was light brown thick stuff. Eventually the color lightened and it changed to clear. There was a bunch of it all afternoon, but never any bright red period blood. Not sure what that means!
My employer requires me to work with hazardous chemicals that have been known to cause miscarriages. We dont use them all day, so in the past I've simply switched tasks with someone else at that point. They told me that was okay before. Now today they pulled me aside and told me that people were complaining. I'm pretty sure I know who it is. Makes me pretty angry!

One little line...

I shouldn't test early, I know. But I can't help it! Its a waste of money because if it's negative, I'm just going to test again in a few days. But if it's positive, I'd believe that!
I guess I should just focus on the positives of not being a mom right now. Like, I just slept 12 hours straight. No way a baby would let me do that!

Still waiting....

I have such high hopes this month because of all those positive tests that waiting is killing me. I gave up and tested last Friday, which of course was negative because it was, at most, 9 dpo. Af is due wednesday... How can I possibly wait until then?? Stick, baby, stick!

MIL rant / plea for advice

When we were dating, MIL loved me, even pressured us to get married sooner, before we were ready. Pretty much all that changed the day dh and I got engaged and I opted for continueing to call her by her first name instead of calling her "mom". I think that day I officially dashed her hopes of us all moving in together and being one big, weird, happy family. (I'm not even kidding- she suggested we all move in together several times.)
Ever since then, it's been crap on top of crap from her. Once, she agreed to meet me at a store to give me something I'd forgotten at her house. She didn't show up and I waited for an hour and she didn't even bother to call. When we confronted her, she got so mad that we questioned her that she didnt speak to us for days.
After the wedding, she was really mad that we didn't let her plan part of it, so we agreed that she could plan a party for the extended family we hadn't invited. She planned a wedding reception, complete with a 3 tier cake with a cake topper, a full meal, a first dance and an elaborately decorated tent. That wasn't what upset me though, since it was a party for the family I had invited. But then we found out 3 days before that she had invited everyone we had invited plus some... There were many more people at her party than my wedding. It looked like to my family that she didn't like my reception (which she made very clear) so she replaced it. My reception was small and simple so it seemed like it was a small party at the wedding and her's was my actual reception. We waited until after the party and brought it up to her that it hurt my feelings. She wouldn't even listen, just hung up the phone. The next thing we heard (and the last thing for 3 months) was from his grandmother that we were no longer part of the family. The only way the fight ended were these terms presented to me by my MIL: I had to apologize and agree to never question her again. (her exact words were I needed to let dh hug me and give my insecurities to Jesus and not talk to her about them. I'm not even a little bit kidding, that's a direct quote.) I agreed for dh's sake, just glad it was over.
But of course it wasn't as simple as that. We've heard several times from several people that MIL trashes me relentlessly as soon as I leave, even in front of extended family. She even told my sister in law to be the entire story, spinning it that she did nothing wrong and I was inconsiderate and tore the family apart.
At the family gathering on Sunday, they decided to take a picture of the family. They lined everyone up except me. Dh pointed that out and they said "let's take this one first". Once they took that one, they told everyone they were done. Dh and I felt slapped in the face. Then when they posted it on fb, they tagged me in it! I seriously considered removing the tag and commenting that I wasn't in the picture!
Dh and I have decided to not say anything. We have decided that MIL won't be allowed to be around our kids unless one of us is present. It will be easy when they're babies bcuz I'm planning to be a sahm and breast feed- if I have to leave them, I'll leave them with my mom and she can just think I never leave them. When they get older, it'll be harder. We already know she trashes me when I'm not around and we don't want her do that to our kids.
What do you think of our current course of action? What would you do in my shoes?

And so it ends... And begins.

Thanks to my forgetfulness, I didn't test Saturday or Sunday. I meant to buy more tests and forgot, oops! So today I got some at Walmart and tested, and it's definitely negative. (I did drink a lot of water so I'm planning on testing again tomorrow just to be sure, but I feel confident saying my positive ovulation streak is over.)
So now that ovulation is done, I'm in the lovely 2ww. I'm really hopeful that since my OPKs were positive for so long it's a really good sign, so waiting is going to be even more agonizing than usual!!! AF is due august 10... A whole week and a half away! How will I live that long? Haha.... Come on sperm, stick! Go boys, go!

In other news, today is my 2nd wedding anniversary. :-) I love you, baby!

Well I guess that's it?

Yesterday was a definite positive, but I used the last strip I had to get it. I meant to pick up more, but I forgot when I went in the store. I'm still not so sure what this means, but I'm crossing my fingers that I'll have karen's good fortune and finally see my bfp after all these positive OPKs!

Feeling like a broken record

Because I'm going to say the exact same thing I have for the past 3 days: I dipped the test into the cup and right away I got a dark definite positive. I also took a pregnancy test in case I'd ovulated super early and the positive OPKs were because I was pregnant, but that was negative. I'm not disappointed like I usually am when I take one of those because I didn't expect it to be positive. And besides, hopefully all these positives (and all the baby dancing we've been doing) means later this month I'll get that beautiful second line!

Still positive!

So confusing... What is my body doing? I think I might take a pregnant test tomorrow. Maybe I ovulated really really early and all these positive OPKs mean I'm actually pregnant? I can hope anyhow... If not, I'm clueless.

Positive again? Now that's just confusing..,

There's still 3 minutes left on the clock until I'm supposed to read my OPK, but it's already reading positive for sure. 2 mornings ago it was sort of dark, I thought it might be positive especially since I was testing with fmu and you're not supposed to. Yesterday was definitely positive right away. Now so is today's. I've never stayed positive for so long, what does it mean? When was or is my lh surge? And when am I ovulating??

Why does this all have to be so darn confusing?

And then we wait...

Ah, the 2ww...

I think the worst part is not knowing if you're pregnant or not, but still having to act like it. In my job, there are a few things I can't do or have to do differently. Plus I have to watch what I eat and drink and all that. MIL doesn't know we're trying and she uses raw dairy and a sweetener called stevia- neither of which is pregnancy safe. Of course there's always some special event that falls during that time of the month and we have to visit... So since I can't ask what she used or request that she not use raw dairy or sweetener, I just have to act like I'm not that hungry and just not eat anything that contains milk or butter or sugar. That pretty much rules out, well, everything. Last time, they only made one mini burger per person and she'd also made pasta salad and stuff. I ate the mini burger and some chips... My tummy was growling. Its better than asking questions, raising her suspicion and having to endure her questioning though...

Positive!!!

My OPK, that is. By minute 2 out of the 5, the test line was already darker than the control. I don't know how to post pictures from my iPhone though so you'll just have to take my word for it. :-)

iPhone and TTC

Everything is high tech now, it seems. Why should getting knocked up be any different? And I'm not just talking about IVF- even a couple trying to conceive on their own can be high tech about it.

I just got an iPhone. It's the most amazing phone ever. My mom called it an "iPod you can talk on", but that's really just the beginning! It's an iPod, a phone and a computer, and more, thanks to all the apps. I even found one app that utilizes the built in vibrator as a personal massager... I doubt it's waterproof though, ladies... :-p (who thinks of these things?)

I downloaded an app called ladytimer and so far it's been quite helpful. It's a calendar and you enter in when you have your periods, your temps, even when you have sex. It color codes it all for you for ease of interpretation.

So far, I've just been using OPKs as a method of determining when I'm ovulating, temping seemed too much hassle and too complicated. However, if I'm on my iPhone 24/7 anyway (which so far, I am), it's seeming a lot more doable. If I don't get my bfp this month, I'm planning to start temping next cycle.

So I guess the summary of that is my iPhone is encouraging me to be more proactive on TTC. Hopefully my increased efforts will pay off quickly! Then I can someday tell my little one "you started out as an app on mommy's phone!"

Blech.... Maybe not.

CD11

Here's my test from this morning:

And negative...

CD10

Here's my test:

Once again, definitely negative.

CD9

Here's my test strip from CD9.

Definitely negative. It's interesting to note though that my work schedule prohibits me from testing except in the morning. (I wake up at 6am to pee when DH says goodbye before leaving for work, go back to sleep til 9am, test at 9 when I get up the second time, and then work from 12-9) I'm going to try to start temping next month since you can do that first thing in the morning.

The way it's different now

When we were dating, DH used to laugh at me all the time. He thought it was so cute that I did this. I would curl up in his arms against his chest and I would subconsciously sigh. It was a happy little sigh, and I wouldn't even realize I had done it.

I haven't sighed like that in a long time. It's different now. When I curl up in DH's arms, instead of feeling euphoric, I feel like I'm hanging on for dear life. I feel like a storm is raging and he's my little bit of shelter. I have to cling to him for everything that I am, or risk being lost forever.


I think it hurts DH's feelings that I don't sigh anymore. I think he blames my sadness and my depression on himself, or at least feel like he should fix everything for me. It's not that easy though.

Hopefully one day soon I'll sigh again. Until then, I'll continue to hide from life in his arms... even if it is just for a little while until I have to face it all again.

Something I've been struggling with...

In a word: Overwhelmed. 

Life is sort of life an ocean, isn't it? You swim along, attempting to find your direction in the swirling, dashing waves. Sometimes you get lucky and find a piece of driftwood you can cling to for awhile. And sometimes you find yourself in a face off with sharks. But you're always swimming, one way or another. Recently I've felt like I've spent most of my time being sucked under. As soon as I find myself gasping for breath and pulling my head up, the next wave comes and pulls me back under. I just can't get ahead, can't get my breath.

And the people I'm swimming with are no help. There are a few who would have my back if the sharks came, but for the most part, I feel like they're polite just because they have to be. Sometimes I wish I knew exactly what they thought of me... and sometimes I'm glad I don't.

Is there a lighthouse?

Where is this going? Is there an island somewhere that we're swimming toward? Or is this life? Swimming, gasping, swimming? What's the point? We swim until we can swim no longer and then we sink?

Overwhelmed.

BFN

Woke up this morning and tested... BFN. AF is due today, let's hope she comes on schedule so we can try again next month. Depressing.

End of the 2WW Eve

AF is due tomorrow!!!! I'm hoping hoping hoping that tomorrow AF will not come. I'm hoping hoping hoping she won't just be late for no reason either. It would be super awesome if I find out in the morning that I'm pregnant. Cross your fingers for me!!! :-)

Our vacation to the beach was amazing although I am completely covered in bug bites- despite all the bug spray I wore. It was great to get away with DH and not think about work or TTC... It helped me not get too impatient too!!! :-)

Vacation

DH and I have been at the beach this weekend. It's been awesome to relax and spend time with DH away from the stress of our everyday life. It's also been good because being away has distracted me from coming to the end of our 2ww and keeping me from testing every single day out of impatience. The next time I'll be able to test is on wednesday, which is the day my period is expected.

The only thing that's worrying me is that I've been using a ton of bug spray. I'm afraid that if I have an implanting baby in there, all the chemicals will keep that from happening.

Despite all my bug spray, I've been getting eaten alive. The other night, we got out of our car and within a minute there was like a swarm of mosquitos all around me. DH had none. We got back in the car and drove several minutes and when we stopped the car again, there was a swarm of mosquitos around my window before we even opened the car doors! Apparently the word has spread... I am to mosquitos what Bella is to Edward. :-( Maybe pregnant people taste better? Here's hoping, haha. :-)

Well that's just embarrasing...

On Saturday after work, I went to the mall to shop for cute clothes. Trip was a huge success, I'm super excited about the clothes I picked! However, while I was at the store, I walked into the dressing room and noticed a wet stain in a circle centered around the nipple on my breast. I figured I'd leaned against something wet (even though it was dry outside- not a cloud in sight!) but then when I took my shirt off, the stain was larger on my bra... so I'm guessing that my nipple leaked and the moisture soaked through? But why on earth is my nipple leaking? If I am pregnant, it's by less than a week... I doubt I've even implanted yet. Any ideas?

A date night update

Even if I wasn't ovulating, I had a wonderful night. :-) My dinner was great- chicken cordon bleu, asparagus sauteed in butter and crescent rolls. DH got me beautiful roses. After dinner, we watched the Notebook... well, we watched part of it anyway. :-D I love my husband. 

Close only counts in hand grenades and horse shoes...

Today I'm supposed to ovulate. It's CD 15. I'm making a nice dinner, I'm lighting candles, I'm getting dressed up... I'm making it especially romantic for some baby making fun. Those OPKs were from this morning... the one on top was at 7am, the one on the bottom was from 1pm. The colors are close I guess, but I don't think thats enough... as my grandfather liked to say "Close only counts in hand grenades and horse shoes." So am I ovulating or not?

Just stop trying...

I've been trying to get pregnant since last September. Since March, I've been using OPKs and trying to time sex correctly with my cycle. One of my coworkers, who knows I'm trying, just now stopped preventing pregnancy. She wasn't trying, but she's at a point in her life where she wouldn't mind if she did get pregnant. And what do you know, but the very first month, she's pregnant. Of course I'm happy for her, but she said that thing anyone who is TTC hates: "Just stop trying."

Okay, what does that even mean? I wanted to say this: "Okay, sure, I'm willing to give it a try, but I don't think it will work. I'm pretty sure you actually have to have sex in order to get pregnant." What do you think I'm doing, using a plunger on my vagina after sex? (Hey, maybe that would work... the idea is to get the sperm to your fallopian tubes where the egg is, right? Maybe the plunger would shove them up there. :-P)

And then later, another coworker walks up to me and pokes my stomach. "How's this going?" Okay, first off: personal space. I told her there's nothing in there just yet. I think to myself, "Please stop here." She doesn't. "You don't want kids yet, you're too young."

I'm 23. Sure, I'm not going gray or checking out nursing homes, but I wouldn't exactly be a "young mom" either. I want a lot of kids. I don't want to have them back to back, and twins don't run in my family. If I start right now, at 23, and have one every 2 years until I have 4, I'd be 31. Starting to get a little old for having a baby, huh? (A woman is most fertile between the ages of 18 and 26. If getting pregnant now at 23 is taking several months, just imagine trying at 31.) If I just wanted one, sure, I'm young. But I don't... I want a bunch of kids, at least 4, maybe more. You don't know me, so just keep your advice to yourself. I appreciate that you don't want kids, but that's you.

If you want to give me nice advice, I'm all for it. If you think doggie style is more effective than missionary, let me hear it. If pomegranate juice will make my uterus more comfy for the egg, I want to know. But if you think I should stop trying or I'm too young, save it. 

So here's what I'm going to do. Tomorrow is when I should ovulate, and I'm off work. (Yay!) DH and I haven't had sex since Sunday (saving up the boys, you know... ;-)) so I'm going to make a nice romantic dinner for us. Then we'll probably watch a romantic movie (The Notebook, perhaps, that always makes me horny.). There are going to be candles and roses and my husband in a suit and tie and me in a dress. It's going to be very nice. And then, we're going to try to make a baby.

Just don't tell my co-workers, they wouldn't approve.

It might as well be an eternity.

Why is that I should be so happy... but I'm not?

I have a job. In this economy, I should be thankful for that. But I'm upset that my hours suck my co-workers and my bosses have been grumpy and taking it out on me. I hate that since DH works 8-5, when they schedule me the evening shift, we don't see each other all day. (I was told I would get 2 evenings a week when I was hired, next week I have 3 plus Saturday.)

I should be incredibly thankful that I'm married to DH. I am, I'm very very thankful that he's mine. Sometimes I still can't believe how fortunate I am. But I still find myself thinking it's not enough. I'm not just happy to be his wife, I want to be his kid's mommy.

I should be thankful for the wonderful apartment I have. It's a very nice place (despite the lack of AC), more like a townhouse than an apartment, but priced as a cheap apartment. It's pretty, has hard wood floors, and nice open rooms. But I can't help wishing I had a house of my own. I wish I could paint and decorate and have a washer and a dryer.

I'm so close to achieving some of my goals. If all goes according to plan, by this time next year I'll be sitting in my own house and holding my baby. DH will be working and I'll be staying at home with the baby, or at least only working part time. I'm so close. But, here's the thing: I'm done with waiting. I'm so done. My patience with bad schedules and never seeing my husband is worn thin. I'm tired of stress and schedules keeping me from getting pregnant. I don't have the energy to keep doing this. I'm so close, but those 7 months might as well be an eternity.

CD1!!!!

I'm incredibly happy to report that after 53 days, AF has shown again! :-) (I doubt this occurrence has ever made anyone so happy before...)
I sent my brother a text of this happy news (we have a weird relationship, I know, but I talk to him about trying to get pregnant all the time.) and this was his response: "Yeah! My baby sister is going back to have lots of unprotected sex! I haven't been this excited since... ever!" But then he also said he was kidding and was excited for me. :-) There's a little truth to every joke though- he's excited for me that I'm happy, he's looking forward to being an uncle, but he also really wants to stab my husband in the face for touching his baby sister, haha. My brother is protective of me, what can I say?

On other news, I think everyone I know is pregnant. Do I know you? Then you should potentially take a pregnancy test because seriously, everyone I know is pregnant. An old friend who got married almost a year after me just announced on facebook that she's 20 weeks along. It should've been my turn first, I was married first. :-( That's a bad attitude, I know, and I realize it's stupid. Sometimes I just feel like that though- I've been married since 2009, it should be my freaking turn already.

"I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, 'Do you know anybody who has AIDS?'. He says, 'No'. I say, 'Cool, because you know me.'" (-Mitch Hedberg)

Is this bad?

Is it bad that when I see moms who don't appreciate their kids, I get mad because I would've appreciated them?

Is it bad that when I see parents making bad parenting choices, it upsets me because I think I would've done differently?

Is it bad that when I see kids who have no involved father, it makes me sad because my husband would be an amazing father?

Is it bad that when I see my friends happy and expecting babies, it makes me cry from jealousy?

Is it bad that when I see a pregnant woman complaining about being pregnant, I want to slap her and tell her to just appreciate it?

Is it bad that when I hear about a woman who is pregnant and gets "cold feet" and questions her decision to become pregnant, I want to scream at her?

Is it bad that when I hear about a newlywed couple who is already expecting, it makes me feel slighted?


Is it bad that when I hear about high school kids who accidentally get pregnant, I feel like there is no justice at all in the world?

Is it bad that every time I hear about a baby murdered or being aborted, it makes me hate the world just a little bit more since people who don't want kids throw them away while people who desperately do can't have any?

Doctor's appointment

I saw the OB/GYN today. Basically she doesn't know why my stomach was hurting, but since it stopped now why worry? She also doesn't know why I still haven't gotten my period, but she thinks it's because of the depo shot I got a year ago now. A whole freaking year. Getting the depo shot was the worst decision I've ever made. (Not exaggerating.) She did say she thinks my weight has a lot to do with me not getting a period and told me to lose 15 pounds and see her again in 6 months.

Have I mentioned I hate waiting?

It might be good advice. I'm quite confident it is. In fact, I would most certainly like to lose weight even if she didn't suggest it- I have all my super cute size 4 and 6 clothes from before I hurt my back in a chest in my room and I'd very much like to wear them again. But the fact is this: I'm tired of waiting to become a mommy.

Worst.Birthday.Ever.

So it's my birthday. woo-hoo... here's been my day so far:

*Wake up at 5:15am to go to work.
*Throw up on my way out the door. Why? Who knows...
*Work for 4 hours... boring... Plus during my shift, the stomach pain I've been having kept getting worse and worse until I couldn't stand upright.
*Call the OB/GYN I'm supposed to see next Wednesday... They couldn't see me any earlier, so they recommended I go the emergency room to make sure it wasn't something major.
*Blood work and ultrasound at the emergency room. They don't know what is wrong, but urgent problems were ruled out.

I'm at my parent's house for dinner now, just sitting here on the computer watching my husband play video games while my mom cooks dinner. Worst.Birthday.Ever.

Maybe it'll get better from here?

Happy Birthday to me...

Do you remember when we were little and birthdays were the most exciting day of the whole year? I think the higher the number gets, the less exciting they become... Tomorrow that number will be 23 for me. I'm excited in a way, but mostly just sad. I'm 23, another year has come and passed and I'm still not a mommy. There are only 9 years remaining until when I want to be done having all my kids. I don't feel happy and ready to party, I just feel old...

My co-workers laugh, oh you're not old... you're still a baby. I think it's not that I feel old as in elderly, I feel old for where I am in my life. By the time I was 23, I wanted to be a mom. That didn't work out because I married a guy who was 3 months younger than me. Sometimes when I make comments like that, he asks me if I wish I'd married someone older who had more money who could've made me a stay at home mom by now. It makes me feel bad when he asks that, because that couldn't be farther from the truth. I do wish I was a stay at home mom by now, but only to his kids. It's not that I wish I'd married a richer man, it's that I wish he was richer.

At least I still get presents. :-\

Depressed tonight.... :-(

This has to be the most frustrating part of TTC so far. When we first decided we wanted to start TTC back in September, we had to wait until my cycle went back to normal after the depo. That was incredibly frustrating but at least I felt like there was a reason for what was happening. Now that I'm 6 days late and I've gotten yet another BFN, I'm wondering what the heck is wrong with me. Clearly I'm not going to get pregnant if I don't ovulate. Where is AF? I feel like sitting down and crying... It's worse than the 2ww because I don't even know if it'll just be 2 weeks! It might be longer, it might be shorter.

The unknown sucks.

I just want a baby... I want to be pregnant. My friends are pregnant and they're planning their nurseries and picking out names and talking about feeling the kicks. I want to be there!!! And I want to hold my baby and touch his soft skin and smell his little head.

I think I'll go to bed and cry now, okay?

BFN :(

6 days late, and a BFN. What the heck? I have to say, this is way more frustrating than any other part of TTC so far. At least when we started back in September with waiting for my cycle to start after the depo there was something to cause my lack of periods! Now there's no explanation... just me being screwy.

I was so disappointed when the little hour glass disappeared and the "Not Pregnant" popped up... :(

CD35?

Still no period... what the heck?

I've been cramping off and on, and today I'm horribly nauseated. I have been taking an antibiotic since Thursday though due to a mrsa skin infection, so that could be making me feel sick. (On my face, no fun!! on thursday it was so swollen I could hardly talk.)

So now what? I hate waiting... but I guess that's all that can be done!!

CD32??

Still nothing.... On CD29, I was a little crampy. I expected her to be right on time, but AF must've gotten detoured on her way to visit me because here I am, 3 days later, still waiting.


I wish I could say yay, the first test was wrong, but no. :-( I tested again this morning and it was another BFN. Anyone else tested on the day AF was due and the day after and been pregnant anyways? I doubt it... :-( So where the heck is she?

CD31 or CD1?

AF is due today... and nothing so far.

I was awake most of last night with some stomach flu or something... and as I was sitting awake, wondering if DH would even notice if I aspirated and died (he slept thru the whole thing), I couldn't help but think maybe I tested too early before and it was a false negative... So this morning, I tested again. Stupid little pink line...

Work was long... I was depressed, I felt like crap, I was exhausted and it was a bad day for the whole office. (One of our employees was in a pretty bad car accident this morning and was rushed to the hospital. She was in surgery most of the day, and the normal light atmosphere was exchanged for worried silence.) When 4pm came, I was so glad to get out of there!

I guess the moral of the day should've been this: what do I have to be depressed about? But still, what a depressing day...

Baby dreams

Do you guys ever dream about being pregnant? I did last night. I dreamed about peeing on the test and then watching that second line appear. Then I dreamed about telling my family and how excited they were.

When I woke up this morning, I couldn't resist testing. My period isn't due until Tuesday but I was hoping that just maybe it would be positive.... but of course it wasn't. So here I am, depressed more than ever. I used a first response test, so I'm thinking it's correct- I'm really not pregnant this month.

Bummer.

somewhere, someone has to have it worse than you.

Did your mom say that to you when you complained when you were little? My mom did. I always wondered- what about that poor kid, the one who has it the worst? What does his mom say?

Sometimes even the most brilliant minds are a little ditzy.

I tested tonight... I couldn't help it!!! I know, it's way too early. I know, it's a waste of money. But somewhere deep inside me I was hoping it would be positive... just in time for Mother's day. Then I could celebrate Mother's day as a brand new mommy to be, and what better time to tell the grandmas to be?

It's negative. I'm certain it is. But when I first did it, I thought maybe there was a ghost of a second pink line. I got this brilliant plan that maybe if I uploaded a picture of the test to my computer, I could make the image colors negative and be able to see better. So I snap a picture of the test and run to my computer.

I thought I remembered that you could slide the memory card into a slot on the front of the computer, but the room was kinda dark so I couldn't see. I felt around with my fingers a bit, and sure enough, several little vertical slots were found! I shoved the card into one, and it went in, but didn't click in place. Same thing with the next... and the next.

A flashlight revealed my ditzy-ness: I'd been shoving my memory card over and over into the fan vent slots.

OOPS!

Try, try, again... something different.

Standing in a grocery store makes me think sometimes. Tonight, it was at checkout. There was a lady with 2 kids, one who was about 2 years old. This kid was standing in the cart, jumping around, screaming and grabbing at stuff. The mom kept saying "Stop. You need to stop." After a couple minutes, I seriously wanted to say "Not to be rude, but I don't think that's working." Now I've heard the expression "try, try, again", and to be honest I don't know who came up with the phrase, but I just doubt they meant to do the same exact thing over and over.

They say you have tons of parenting techniques... until you have kids. I'm sure this is true, and I don't pretend to be an expert. I don't claim to have the answer to a 2 year old who won't stop, but I do think this: I'd have to think that if that was me, there is something inside me that after 15 tries over 2 minutes, I would have to stop and think maybe I should try something else...

I don't have all the answers to parenting, but here's a few things I've picked up over the years:
*If one of your kids has the other locked in the ice chest freezer at walmart, you may need a new parenting technique.
*If one of your kids has the other held up by his ankles out the car window so he can reach the toy on the ground, you may need a new technique. (note: this was in a parking lot. obviously if the car had been in motion, I'd have called the police.)

OPKs and the two week wait

So it's month 2 of using OPKs to chart ovulation. Last month, I wasn't sure if I was going to ovulate because my cycle was just going back to normal after the depo. I was expecting that if I did ovulate, it would be on CD14 or 15. I'm not going to lie, I cried on CD14 when the little test line was so light. But to my surprise, on CD15, the test line was definitely darker than the control! It was definitely a positive. Now a month later, I thought I knew what to expect. But, on CD13, the test line was fairly dark- but definitely not as dark as the control. That threw me off a little because last month all the tests up until to CD15 were as light as could be. Then, CD14, the test line was pretty much non-existent. And today, CD15, again the test line was just barely visible. So where was my positive test? Did I catch the beginning or end of it on CD13 and I ovulated earlier than last month? Or did I not ovulate at all?

I've been pondering the 2 week wait as I wait to ovulate. Last month I thought "Now I ovulated! Certainly it will happen this month!" This month I'm thinking that it's so unlikely to get pregnant on the very first try. But now this is our second, surely it will happen this month! At what point does your mindset change? On your 6th cycle trying, do you start to realize "It just might not be this month"? On your 12th cycle do you start to give up? I know, in a way, that there is only a 1 in 5 chance that this will be the month. But at the same time, I know that I will cry the day that AF comes... if she comes this time.

Whoever knew....

I never knew there was so much peeing involved with trying to get pregnant... first OPKs, then HPTs! And that's before I even start with the frequency of urination symptom of pregnancy.

Last month, it worked out perfectly- I ovulated on a weekend. This month it's going to fall on a Tuesday or a Wednesday, of course on a day I was scheduled to close at work. DH leaves the house at 7am, and I wouldn't be getting home until after 9pm. I was able to switch my shifts so I'll be getting home around the same time as DH and leaving in the morning around the same time, but what would I have done if I couldn't switch my shift?

Trying to get pregnant works a lot better if you're able to have sex, just sayin'.

No one ever claimed it was an exact science....

Most women take about 6 months to conceive. Some women conceive on their first cycle trying. Thanks to the depo, even though I feel like I've been "trying" since September, I only know for sure of once that I ovulated since then so I already missed getting knocked up on the first try.

Here's hoping round 2 will be met with more success!

In light of that goal, I've been doing some research. I've learned a few things: caffeine= right out. Go me, I've cut back drastically. :-) Tuna fish, alcohol (not that I drank much, if ever, anyway), ibuprofen, my trusty old KY jelly we've been using since the honeymoon (not the same bottle, heheh...), also right out.

Then I found a website that suggested drinking pomegranate juice would help the lining of your uterus with conception. I thought juice- that's all natural, what can it hurt?

The internet is a funny place, people. When I researched pomegranate juice more, I ran into some discrepancies. It might make you get pregnant. However, if you're a guinea pig in participation with this one study I read about, pomegranate juice will make you infertile. (I do mean a literal guinea pig, not just any old test subject, although in this case, the guinea pigs were... guinea pigs.) In the same study though, the lab rats had better sperm production. ("Here Mr. Rat, just go in that darkened room and when you've got your sample in this sterile cup, come on back out.")

I'm thinking orange juice is safer... :-\

Symptoms of being female

Something interesting you might notice...

Google "Symptoms of a menstrual period". Aside from the obvious, you might also find the following symptoms:
*Nausea
*Pain in the abdomen
*Headaches
*Bloating

Now Google "Symptoms of Ovulation". Some results you might find are:
*Pain in the abdomen or back
*Dizziness

And finally, google "Symptoms of PMS". Some symptoms are:
*Pain in the abdomen
*Bloating
*Headaches
*Moodiness

A month is only 30 days... if you add it all up, we're running dangerously low on days. So my question is, when can I expect to feel good?

CD1!

Cross out CD30 from my previous post and make that CD1!! It sucks because now I feel like crap, but it's awesome because, yay, I'm regular again!!! Being regular is extremely beneficial to baby making. :-)

Now what?

Well it's officially CD30, and still no AF. I suppose I'm not much of an expert on the subject, but it seems that TTC would be easier if my cycle actually came so that I could ovulate again? I guess I will wait a few more days and test again... in case by some miracle, it was still a false negative.

Back Story

I'm not sure if anyone will even read this. Maybe I'm just writing all this down to get it out of my head.
First you need some backstory:
DH and I have been married in 8-1-09. I was a school student then, going to technical school for dental assisting. The plan was for DH to work with his associates degree he'd gotten before we got married while I went to school, and once I'd graduated, we'd switch. So now he's the student. We'd also planned on trying to get pregnant about 6-8 months before he was due to graduate.
Jump to last summer, in June. I'm working, DH is about to start school. My mom calls me one day and tells me she thinks she's having a stroke and she's going to the ER. It was a mini stroke, not too severe, but now she's got numbness on half her body. She's still functional completely, but she's of course a higher risk for a future stroke. Plus, she has a higher risk of developing early onset Alzheimer's. Did I mention that her dad developed Alzheimer's around 60? That's really early... so my mom was already at risk.
I wanted to start TTC right away. My mom is supposed to be there while I'm in labor and knit baby blankets and hold my baby and baby sit. I felt like the longer I waited, the greater chance I had of her missing all of that. Plus, the reality had just set in double time that I cannot be an old mom. Our family history of Alzheimer's is so strong... and now add stroke? I refuse to do that to my kids. If I'm 55 when I have my last, how old will I be when they're in college? Can you imagine being in college and calling home to find out your mom has a terminal illness?
Since we'd been college students, we'd wanted to make sure we didn't have an oops baby, so I was on the depo provera. Worst decision of my entire life. I gained weight, I bled constantly, I had zero sex drive, and now this: I had my last shot in June of last year and it's still in my system. Back in September, when I should've gotten my shot, we decided to not get the shot and start trying to get pregnant. We expected it would take a few months for my cycle to regulate...
In January, I bled for the first time since going off the shot. (The irony is sickening- I bled constantly when I was on the shot and didn't want to, but once I went off the shot and I wanted my periods to start again, not a drop.) It was light and only last 3 days.
In March I bled again. This time it was heavier, and so much more painful. I was taking pamparin overlapping with ibuprofen and still in ridiculous stomach pain. I didn't care though, I was ecstatic that my period was back.
I started using ovulation tests a few days after my period had ended. I assumed cycle day 14, so I cried when it was negative that morning. But to my surprise, it was positive on cycle day 15! I actually had DH read it for me so he could break the bad news gently... and he just sticks his head out of the bathroom with a huge smile on his face and says "Baby..." The test line was darker than the control line. We were so excited...
We had done everything perfect. We'd done the baby dance on CD13, so 2 days before ovulation, and on CD15, the day I ovulated. Just like the "experts" recommend.
CD 16 I woke up so nauseated I couldn't eat. I went to work but I felt like crap. I told my co-workers I thought I was getting sick. Some of them I'd texted the day before, celebrating my positive OPK. They looked at me knowingly and I got my hopes up. I thought for sure you couldn't show symptoms that early, but the moms in the group all shared with me their stories and how they knew the day after the conceived. They assured me that if I was, my boobs would start to hurt.
They were completely right about my boobs being sore, let me tell you. Once over the following weekend, I rolled onto my side in my sleep and the soreness of touching my boob woke me up. I was also running a low grade fever, peeing constantly, having headaches daily on the sides to back of my head, and I ate pizza everyday... once for breakfast.
DH and I were getting concerned at how bad the boob soreness was because my right one was 10 times worse. I was afraid I was developing a cyst, so on Tuesday I headed out to my doctor. I didn't make it very far before a car coming off a side street ran right into the side of my car. The seatbelt around my stomach kept me from moving, but as soon as it happened I started having horrible stomach pain. I panicked, I thought the crash caused a miscarriage.
The ER did blood work as soon as I arrived to see if I was pregnant. The results took 45 minutes. In the meantime, they did an ultrasound to check for internal bleeding. There was none. I was still panicking over the status of my unborn child. Then my bloodwork came back. HCG level: 1.
It was a roller coaster day: I started it out thinking by the end of the day, I'd be trying to come up with a way to tell my DH I was pregnant. I got in an accident, thought I was miscarrying, and then found out there was no baby to begin with. That was 9DPO.
Yesterday was CD29, so all day I expected my period. Did that happen? Of course not. Last night all the sudden I get this thought- maybe the blood test was a false negative because it was too early? Maybe I AM pregnant after all. DH and I try not to get our hopes up... but we both did.
This morning, using my FMU, I tested using a first response pregnancy test. After 3 minutes, I send DH into the bathroom to read it so he can break the bad news gently. Then we held each other and we both cried. DH told me that it will happen, but the fact that it will happen at some point and I just have to wait didn't really help.