Once a mom, always a mom.

My mom, knowing I'm sick, is worried about me. She texted me to "check on me" 8 times today after I woke up at noon.
I'm glad I have a mom who cares about me and worries about me, there's no question about that.

I changed the layout of my blog in honor of one of the other people who worries about me and cares for me- DH. Love isn't always sex and chocolate and flower and romance. It's rubbing my back and telling me it'll be okay when I'm having my hundredth unexplained crying jag of the day. And after, telling me that he stills loves me, I'm still his favorite person, and I'm worth it all. How did I get so lucky? I'm just terrified shit-less he's going to realize one of these days that he can do way better than this fat, crazy and possible infertile girl. I'm no prize.

Breakdown...

Have you ever had a panic attack so bad that you hallucinate? So bad that you beg your husband for more drugs... Even though you already overdosed behind his back before he took them away? When nothing works and you're terrified and scared of everything. Afraid the man who would give his life for you is trying to poison you by putting something in your milk? Terrified beyond words that he's going to take you to a hospital, have them throw you in the psych ward, and run away from you while he has the chance?
So there I was in this situation last night, hiding from my own husband behind my bedroom door (he found me). My mom came. I slept, finally. Mom came back the next morning when DH left for work.
My mom took me to the doctor who put me on this new medicine. I reacted so badly... Change medication again, slightly better. Still feeling slightly drunk. It's hard to put coherent thoughts together. Off work for the next week at least... Then going part time. Big changes... I'm sick. Very sick. I've been sick awhile, but now it's uncontrollable without help. No trying for a baby this cycle... Fast acting anti anxiety meds are bad for babies. Hopefully by next cycle I'll be on new meds and more stable with working and everything.

Prayers and thoughts are appreciated!! Thanks all.

Update on baby making

DH: As I mentioned before, DH's testosterone is borderline on being too low. When he goes to drop off his seman sample, he has to get it retested. I picked up the container today.
Me: I have an appointment with a new ob/gyn tomorrow. He'll probably just send me to a fertility specialist... But hopefully he'll at least order some tests or something to get me started while I wait to get an appointment. Wish me luck!! I wish he could snap his fingers, prescribe me magical medicine and get me pregnant right away... But it doesn't work like that, huh? :-(

Stay-cation

I'm on vacation from work this week, but DH is working. Extra hours in fact. :-( So my big plans for the week include cleaning... And lots of it. Monday I had a work meeting. Tuesday I cleaned and reorganized my kitchen. I got new baskets for my one table, got a new cabinet with baskets for storage for the fish tank to sit on and cleaned and scrubbed everything. My kitchen practically sparkles.
Wednesday I did the bedroom. We have textured paint on all the walls (looks cool but is a pain in the butt!) and it had dust clinging to all the little bump things. It's also been over a year since I vacuumed in there... Yikes!! (yeah, that's embarrassing to admit!) So I vacuumed, dusted, and scrubbed the walls. It looks so clean!!
Today I did the living room, which really wasn't bad. Since that's our living space where we spend the most time, I keep that pretty well cleaned. I also did the grocery shopping and ran some errands.
All that's left to do is dust the bookshelves in the living room and clean the bathroom tomorrow! Then I'm going to take pictures of all my pretty Christmas decorations and then take them down! It's almost February, probably time for the tree to go back in the attic, don't you think?

Just for laughs

Me, while cleaning the bedroom: "Babe, I found a pair of thong underwear under the bed. What do you have to say for yourself?"
DH: "You should put your clothes in the hamper."
:-) I love my husband!!

Borderline

Borderline. That's the result of dh's testosterone level check. His level is 200. From a health stand point, it should be 180. So he's in the clear. From a baby making stand point, it'd be better to see that be up around 300. The doc wants him to do a seman sample and that has to be dropped off in the morning. Usually your testosterone is highest in the morning so he suggested DH get his level rechecked when he drops off his sample.
Basically, the jury is still out on whether or not that's the cause. It might be, or it might be a coincidence.
Is it bad that I'm glad? It might not be me... I might not be the broken one. And the best thing: it might be fixable!
Maybe I'm not a failure after all? Maybe I am... But maybe not.

Pregnancy dreams

I dreamed I was pregnant last night. I dreamed I was shopping for maternity clothes and I was trying on all these cute tops over my baby bump. I dreamed I looked super cute. Then I woke up and took a pregnancy test... Negative.
Baby dreams suck.

And here we go again....

9 dpo and I'm bloated and nauseated... I would be excited about almost losing my pizza (I may see it yet, I still feel sick as a dog) if it didn't happen every single month. I refuse to be excited about feeling like crap. I refuse to get my hopes up only to be crushed.

Who am I kidding? I can't help but get my hopes up... I hate this.

When I grow up, I want to be a dog

No stress, just sleeping, eating, and playing with bones. Could be worse....

His timing is not necessarily mine

"For this child we prayed, and the Lord answered our prayer." -1 Samuel 1:27

Everyone tells me that its all in his timing. And I trust that he knows best and his timing is perfect.... I also know that I'm tired of waiting for his timing. I'm impatient. I want it to be right now. We're waiting for the perfect time... But why can't the perfect time be right now?

Emotions of the two week wait

Optimistic. If you'd asked me how I felt during my first ever 2 week wait, that's what I would've said. I'm optimistic that this is it. I felt confident, sure that I would get my positive pregnancy test. You see, when I went through my first 2 week wait, we'd already been "trying" for 6 months. It took from June to march to get my period again after the depo provera. We started trying shortly after my last shot. I got a positive ovulation test, and we did exactly what you're supposed to do in that circumstance. I remember laying on my back, completely naked with my butt up in the air on a pillow thinking "this is it! This is happening!" Guess again...

Hopeful was the emotion of the next few months. Most people conceive within 6 months of starting to try for a baby. That means there is a 1 in 6 chance it will happen this month. Each month, AF dashed my hopes.

These days, depressed is a better description of my mood. There are some hopeful moments, like when I feel nauseated or I smell something most people around me can't smell. I think to myself "is this what its like to feel pregnant?" Then I remember that every month, my body fabricates symptoms. Every month, I get my hopes up. And every month, my hopes are crushed.

Is this what it's like to feel pregnant? Or is my body making up symptoms because I want them to be there so badly? I just want to be pregnant... Is that so much to ask?

Inadequate

Are you a failure if you fail to achieve your goals by no fault of your own?

Baby practice

Ally is adorable. Very adorable. The only problem with her is that she cries. All.night.long. Mew, mew, mew! She sounds like we're kicking her very soul. She mews whether the door is open or closed, whether she's in the bedroom or out. She wants to play. Sometimes she wakes us up by standing on our chests, peering into our faces. Mostly though, she just cries. I guess it's practice for dealing with a baby crying?