Words that change your life

It's amazing how just a few words can change your life forever. And once you hear them, you hear them over and over in your head. They could be happy like "will you marry me?" or "you're pregnant!" or sad like "you have cancer."
In my case, those words were spoken by my husband on Tuesday morning and my life will never be the same. "There was a fire... [my brother's girlfriend/ unofficial fiance] got out... [my brother] didn't..." I stared at him in shock for a second waiting for the end of the sentence... So he's in the hospital or so he's hurt really bad. But that was the end of the sentence. He didn't get out. My 26 year old brother, one of my best friends, lawyer, the smartest guy I have ever met without exception, one of the funniest people on this planet, is gone. Just like that. At 10:30, he was playing Facebook on tetris. At midnight, he had a night cap of vodka. At 2am, they awoke to a smoke filled bedroom. He went to see what was going on, came back for his girlfriend. Apparently he was already disoriented because of the smoke because he couldn't find the exit. She didn't realize he wasn't following her and she couldn't find him in the thick black smoke. Thank god she had the sense to leave when she did or we would have lost her too.

"pain is weakness leaving the body"

Apparently, a lot of weakness is leaving my abs and calves today... Pain is good. It means I'm working the muscles, it means they're getting stronger. 20 minute walk with dh and then a 1-2 minute jog later (reeeeaaaallly out of shape. I'm working my way up to it.). I consumed less than 1200 calories today. I'm not ready to start singing "I'm sexy and I know it"- I'm about a year away from that, but I'm feeling pretty good about my progress! Go me!!

Self improvement

I've been feeling better these last few weeks. My mom has been coming over and staying with me during the day and we've been taking walks. When dh gets home in the evening, we go for a short jog. The exercise is helping my mood too, plus I'm feeling better about myself for having the motivation to do it. I'm proud of myself.
I decided to let my hair grow long again. It's above shoulder length right now, but I'm looking forward to being able to style it again. :-)
So there's my goal: I want to be 120 pounds and have long hair.

Screeching halt...

I mentioned before I was struggling with my depression, I think. I had thought I was getting more stable and getting better. I thought my medicine was working. About a week and a half ago, I had a severe depressive crisis. I tried to kill myself by swallowing 4 bottles full of sedatives. After they made sure my kidneys weren't going to fail, they put me in the psych ward. I spent two nights there, and now my psychiatrist has recommended I have 24/7 supervision for at least a month. I can't drive, all my medications are Nina lock box, and all my knives and scissors are hidden. I'm really sick.
This has nothing to do with my life. I wasn't abused as a child, I was never raped, and I've never been to war or anything. It's a genetic illness caused by chemical imbalances. I hope you don't judge me for the decisions I made when I was confused and sick, but that's the complete truth.
Obviously baby making is on hold for now. The fertility specialist recommended I wait at least 3 months to have the iui. I'm thinking probably longer. I want to make sure I'm not going to go into depressive crisis while I'm pregnant, which means I need to be very stable on my meds.
I'm really struggling with blaming myself. My family has been so supportive and telling me it's not my fault, I'm just sick, but I can't help beat myself up. My mom thought she was going to lose her daughter to suicide on mother's day weekend. My older brother had nightmares after I sent him texts telling him goodbye, that I was killing myself. He is 3 hours away and he felt so powerless. My dad blames himself and says he must've been a bad dad. I put my whole family through hell... And myself too. How can I not blame myself?

Bag of fun

The fertility center supplied us with the sterile container for dh's semen analysis. They gave it to us in a non-descript brown paper bag. Before we moved two weeks ago, my mom was helping me pack. She found the brown bag and asked me what it was. I answered "[dh's] bag of fun", and explained how even though it's going to be analyzed it's still fun for him to collect it. I don't find that to be fair since a pap smear rarely involves an orgasm. Mom suggested I put it away so the movers (who happened to be our parents and siblings, most of whom don't know about dh's condition) wouldn't find it and create an awkward situation the day of the move. I promptly forgot. The day prior to the move, mom was helping me with last minute details and found the bag again. Unsure of what to call it, she carried it to me and said quite sheepishly "you forgot to hide your bag of fun."

That story is maybe funnier if you know that my mom is very proper and prim. A true southern bell. Doesn't even say "sucks" or "crap" because it's crude. It made my day, I laughed so hard!

Tomorrow is his appointment for the analysis, so watch for an update! Hopefully my next update I'll know when my evaluation for the iui will be.

Update

Sorry I haven't posted for awhile- there hasn't really been much to say.

Dh and I saw the fertility specialist this morning. He was very positive about our situation. He wants to repeat dh's semen analysis and if the results are consistent with the previous test, proceed with doing an iui. He says we can move through the process fairly quickly.

I'm so excited. I'm going somewhere, not just trying and trying. I like having a plan, it makes me feel like the situation is in my control.

Baby names

Maybe one of the first date questions should be "What do you like in a baby name?" I worked in a portrait studio for 2 years and during that time, I saw a lot of names. Some so unusual you weren't sure if the child was male or female. Those were usually the ones that showed up for their appointment with baby dressed in perfectly generic clothes. Maybe they were like that family in London that decided to keep their baby gender neutral until he or she is old enough to pick what he or she wants to be. I also saw names like John and Steve and Sally. Boring. Strong and beautiful names, but baby would have a billion classmates with their name all their life. So I like unusual names that are still common enough that people have heard them and can pronounce them. I hate gender neutral names. You'll never find me introducing my child with a name like Alex.
DH on the other hand, likes biblical or traditional names. But not old people names- they're right out. I like Walter. He hates it. ("Sounds like some old person.") I like mason, he hates it. ("Thats not traditional! I'd always think of canning jars...")
My favorite name for a baby boy? Mason Joseph. My mom and DH like Micah Joseph. Mil agrees with me but apparently she doesn't have enough control of her son anymore to get him to sway to our side and leave my mom all alone. Since sadly, neither do I, whenever we finally have a baby boy, his name will be Micah Joseph.
Girls names we have had more luck. We have two names we both love. Kaylee Grace and Nova Joy. They're nothing alike except that we agree on them!!
So what's our criteria in a baby name? It must be traditional but not too traditional that it's an "old person" name (does it not occur to hubby that all those old people named Walter and Haddie were babies once too?). It must be unique, but not too unique. It must be gender specific. And DH and I have to agree. I don't think we'll be having many kids at this rate... Or maybe we'll just issue them numbers. "Hey child #3! It's your turn to clear the table!" Do you think hubby will agree on that?

One sentence shatters it all: "low sperm count"

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I wasn't ready to share this news... DH has a very low sperm count. His sperm count is 8 million per cc. Sounds like a lot, but normal is 20 million to 100 million... And they prefer high end of normal. There's less than a 25% chance DH will ever get me pregnant naturally. We're scheduling an appointment to see the fertility specialist and hopefully get DH put on clomid. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. The next step would be an iui or a sperm donor, if what I've read on google is correct. I guess we'll find out when we see the new doctor... Which isn't until April. :-(

I just want a baby... I'm struggling with this news. I'm trying to put my happy face on for DH's sake because I don't want him to feel like its his fault or something. But I just want to curl up and cry.

Dreams

How do you accept it when you have to let your dreams go? We've spent so long trying to get pregnant. Now, thanks to my anxiety, I'm on meds that aren't safe for pregnancy. It kills me to use a condom. It really does. :-(
All I want is a soft, blond haired baby. I want to kiss his fuzzy head and whisper "mommy loves you, micah." Mommy... I want to be mommy...

A thought vomit from my messed up brain

I know, it's supposed to be thought vomit Thursday. My bad. Today shall henceforth be the first and only thought vomit... Monday!

-did I mention I'm going to be on fmla leave from work until I get more stabilized and figure this problem out? My brother says that means I'm officially crazy now. I told him that I've probably been official since my overnight stay in the psych ward a few years ago. I don't know when I'll be back to work. Depends on how long it takes for my meds to make me feel human again. I need to be able to concentrate well enough that my patients aren't at risk of me making a mistake.
-I'm seeing a counselor tomorrow morning. My employer pays for 3 sessions as a courtesy to us. I'm hopeful that she can help me and refer me to someone that can help find a cocktail of meds that actually does work for me... Not that my primary care doc isn't amazing... I just don't think he's got the added schooling needed to know how to correctly use these drugs.
-I took my night time meds over an hour ago, but I'm still awake. How long does freaking ambien take to kick in? About an hour after I took it I started obsessing over maybe I just thought I took it and I dropped it on the floor. Maybe ally or buttons ate it. That would probably be a fatal dose of ambien at their size.... I actually crawled around on my hands and knees in my kitchen looking under everything to see if I'd dropped the pill. I didn't see it. I counted the number of pills left in the bottle and the number of days I've taken it and the correct number is missing.... So I can conclude that if it's not in it's bottle, it's not on the floor then I either took it or one of the animals did. If one of them took it instead of me, I'll be wide awake anyway so I can just take them down to the emergency vet.
I think I have OCD, thinking this plan through a lot.
I'm feeling sleepy-dopey. I think the missing ambien was in my belly the whole time! Goodnight world...

When it rains, it pours...

Murphy's law states that bad things always come in threes.

Bad thing #1: My anxiety is out of control. Completely.
1A: Bad reaction to klonopin.
1B: Ativan stops working.
1C: Xanax gives me headaches.

Bad thing #2: My dog is terrified of the air conditioner cover. It's one of those plastic shrinky things that you tape around the ac unit and then shrink with your hair dryer. Unfortunately, everytime the wind blows, it crinkles. Who knew that was terrifying? So everytime the wind blows during the night, my 50 pound dog jumps into the bed to snuggle between DH and I.

Bad thing #3: DH is apparently severely allergic to the new detergent I used last weekend. He broke out in hives do badly his boss was afraid he was going to swell up and die. He sent him home and offered to drive him. Now our sheets and pretty much every article of clothing we own has to be re-washed... Lovely.

So that's three. We're done for awhile, right? Please say yes...

Once a mom, always a mom.

My mom, knowing I'm sick, is worried about me. She texted me to "check on me" 8 times today after I woke up at noon.
I'm glad I have a mom who cares about me and worries about me, there's no question about that.

I changed the layout of my blog in honor of one of the other people who worries about me and cares for me- DH. Love isn't always sex and chocolate and flower and romance. It's rubbing my back and telling me it'll be okay when I'm having my hundredth unexplained crying jag of the day. And after, telling me that he stills loves me, I'm still his favorite person, and I'm worth it all. How did I get so lucky? I'm just terrified shit-less he's going to realize one of these days that he can do way better than this fat, crazy and possible infertile girl. I'm no prize.

Breakdown...

Have you ever had a panic attack so bad that you hallucinate? So bad that you beg your husband for more drugs... Even though you already overdosed behind his back before he took them away? When nothing works and you're terrified and scared of everything. Afraid the man who would give his life for you is trying to poison you by putting something in your milk? Terrified beyond words that he's going to take you to a hospital, have them throw you in the psych ward, and run away from you while he has the chance?
So there I was in this situation last night, hiding from my own husband behind my bedroom door (he found me). My mom came. I slept, finally. Mom came back the next morning when DH left for work.
My mom took me to the doctor who put me on this new medicine. I reacted so badly... Change medication again, slightly better. Still feeling slightly drunk. It's hard to put coherent thoughts together. Off work for the next week at least... Then going part time. Big changes... I'm sick. Very sick. I've been sick awhile, but now it's uncontrollable without help. No trying for a baby this cycle... Fast acting anti anxiety meds are bad for babies. Hopefully by next cycle I'll be on new meds and more stable with working and everything.

Prayers and thoughts are appreciated!! Thanks all.

Update on baby making

DH: As I mentioned before, DH's testosterone is borderline on being too low. When he goes to drop off his seman sample, he has to get it retested. I picked up the container today.
Me: I have an appointment with a new ob/gyn tomorrow. He'll probably just send me to a fertility specialist... But hopefully he'll at least order some tests or something to get me started while I wait to get an appointment. Wish me luck!! I wish he could snap his fingers, prescribe me magical medicine and get me pregnant right away... But it doesn't work like that, huh? :-(

Stay-cation

I'm on vacation from work this week, but DH is working. Extra hours in fact. :-( So my big plans for the week include cleaning... And lots of it. Monday I had a work meeting. Tuesday I cleaned and reorganized my kitchen. I got new baskets for my one table, got a new cabinet with baskets for storage for the fish tank to sit on and cleaned and scrubbed everything. My kitchen practically sparkles.
Wednesday I did the bedroom. We have textured paint on all the walls (looks cool but is a pain in the butt!) and it had dust clinging to all the little bump things. It's also been over a year since I vacuumed in there... Yikes!! (yeah, that's embarrassing to admit!) So I vacuumed, dusted, and scrubbed the walls. It looks so clean!!
Today I did the living room, which really wasn't bad. Since that's our living space where we spend the most time, I keep that pretty well cleaned. I also did the grocery shopping and ran some errands.
All that's left to do is dust the bookshelves in the living room and clean the bathroom tomorrow! Then I'm going to take pictures of all my pretty Christmas decorations and then take them down! It's almost February, probably time for the tree to go back in the attic, don't you think?

Just for laughs

Me, while cleaning the bedroom: "Babe, I found a pair of thong underwear under the bed. What do you have to say for yourself?"
DH: "You should put your clothes in the hamper."
:-) I love my husband!!

Borderline

Borderline. That's the result of dh's testosterone level check. His level is 200. From a health stand point, it should be 180. So he's in the clear. From a baby making stand point, it'd be better to see that be up around 300. The doc wants him to do a seman sample and that has to be dropped off in the morning. Usually your testosterone is highest in the morning so he suggested DH get his level rechecked when he drops off his sample.
Basically, the jury is still out on whether or not that's the cause. It might be, or it might be a coincidence.
Is it bad that I'm glad? It might not be me... I might not be the broken one. And the best thing: it might be fixable!
Maybe I'm not a failure after all? Maybe I am... But maybe not.

Pregnancy dreams

I dreamed I was pregnant last night. I dreamed I was shopping for maternity clothes and I was trying on all these cute tops over my baby bump. I dreamed I looked super cute. Then I woke up and took a pregnancy test... Negative.
Baby dreams suck.

And here we go again....

9 dpo and I'm bloated and nauseated... I would be excited about almost losing my pizza (I may see it yet, I still feel sick as a dog) if it didn't happen every single month. I refuse to be excited about feeling like crap. I refuse to get my hopes up only to be crushed.

Who am I kidding? I can't help but get my hopes up... I hate this.

When I grow up, I want to be a dog

No stress, just sleeping, eating, and playing with bones. Could be worse....

His timing is not necessarily mine

"For this child we prayed, and the Lord answered our prayer." -1 Samuel 1:27

Everyone tells me that its all in his timing. And I trust that he knows best and his timing is perfect.... I also know that I'm tired of waiting for his timing. I'm impatient. I want it to be right now. We're waiting for the perfect time... But why can't the perfect time be right now?

Emotions of the two week wait

Optimistic. If you'd asked me how I felt during my first ever 2 week wait, that's what I would've said. I'm optimistic that this is it. I felt confident, sure that I would get my positive pregnancy test. You see, when I went through my first 2 week wait, we'd already been "trying" for 6 months. It took from June to march to get my period again after the depo provera. We started trying shortly after my last shot. I got a positive ovulation test, and we did exactly what you're supposed to do in that circumstance. I remember laying on my back, completely naked with my butt up in the air on a pillow thinking "this is it! This is happening!" Guess again...

Hopeful was the emotion of the next few months. Most people conceive within 6 months of starting to try for a baby. That means there is a 1 in 6 chance it will happen this month. Each month, AF dashed my hopes.

These days, depressed is a better description of my mood. There are some hopeful moments, like when I feel nauseated or I smell something most people around me can't smell. I think to myself "is this what its like to feel pregnant?" Then I remember that every month, my body fabricates symptoms. Every month, I get my hopes up. And every month, my hopes are crushed.

Is this what it's like to feel pregnant? Or is my body making up symptoms because I want them to be there so badly? I just want to be pregnant... Is that so much to ask?

Inadequate

Are you a failure if you fail to achieve your goals by no fault of your own?

Baby practice

Ally is adorable. Very adorable. The only problem with her is that she cries. All.night.long. Mew, mew, mew! She sounds like we're kicking her very soul. She mews whether the door is open or closed, whether she's in the bedroom or out. She wants to play. Sometimes she wakes us up by standing on our chests, peering into our faces. Mostly though, she just cries. I guess it's practice for dealing with a baby crying?