Well that's just embarrasing...

On Saturday after work, I went to the mall to shop for cute clothes. Trip was a huge success, I'm super excited about the clothes I picked! However, while I was at the store, I walked into the dressing room and noticed a wet stain in a circle centered around the nipple on my breast. I figured I'd leaned against something wet (even though it was dry outside- not a cloud in sight!) but then when I took my shirt off, the stain was larger on my bra... so I'm guessing that my nipple leaked and the moisture soaked through? But why on earth is my nipple leaking? If I am pregnant, it's by less than a week... I doubt I've even implanted yet. Any ideas?

A date night update

Even if I wasn't ovulating, I had a wonderful night. :-) My dinner was great- chicken cordon bleu, asparagus sauteed in butter and crescent rolls. DH got me beautiful roses. After dinner, we watched the Notebook... well, we watched part of it anyway. :-D I love my husband. 

Close only counts in hand grenades and horse shoes...

Today I'm supposed to ovulate. It's CD 15. I'm making a nice dinner, I'm lighting candles, I'm getting dressed up... I'm making it especially romantic for some baby making fun. Those OPKs were from this morning... the one on top was at 7am, the one on the bottom was from 1pm. The colors are close I guess, but I don't think thats enough... as my grandfather liked to say "Close only counts in hand grenades and horse shoes." So am I ovulating or not?

Just stop trying...

I've been trying to get pregnant since last September. Since March, I've been using OPKs and trying to time sex correctly with my cycle. One of my coworkers, who knows I'm trying, just now stopped preventing pregnancy. She wasn't trying, but she's at a point in her life where she wouldn't mind if she did get pregnant. And what do you know, but the very first month, she's pregnant. Of course I'm happy for her, but she said that thing anyone who is TTC hates: "Just stop trying."

Okay, what does that even mean? I wanted to say this: "Okay, sure, I'm willing to give it a try, but I don't think it will work. I'm pretty sure you actually have to have sex in order to get pregnant." What do you think I'm doing, using a plunger on my vagina after sex? (Hey, maybe that would work... the idea is to get the sperm to your fallopian tubes where the egg is, right? Maybe the plunger would shove them up there. :-P)

And then later, another coworker walks up to me and pokes my stomach. "How's this going?" Okay, first off: personal space. I told her there's nothing in there just yet. I think to myself, "Please stop here." She doesn't. "You don't want kids yet, you're too young."

I'm 23. Sure, I'm not going gray or checking out nursing homes, but I wouldn't exactly be a "young mom" either. I want a lot of kids. I don't want to have them back to back, and twins don't run in my family. If I start right now, at 23, and have one every 2 years until I have 4, I'd be 31. Starting to get a little old for having a baby, huh? (A woman is most fertile between the ages of 18 and 26. If getting pregnant now at 23 is taking several months, just imagine trying at 31.) If I just wanted one, sure, I'm young. But I don't... I want a bunch of kids, at least 4, maybe more. You don't know me, so just keep your advice to yourself. I appreciate that you don't want kids, but that's you.

If you want to give me nice advice, I'm all for it. If you think doggie style is more effective than missionary, let me hear it. If pomegranate juice will make my uterus more comfy for the egg, I want to know. But if you think I should stop trying or I'm too young, save it. 

So here's what I'm going to do. Tomorrow is when I should ovulate, and I'm off work. (Yay!) DH and I haven't had sex since Sunday (saving up the boys, you know... ;-)) so I'm going to make a nice romantic dinner for us. Then we'll probably watch a romantic movie (The Notebook, perhaps, that always makes me horny.). There are going to be candles and roses and my husband in a suit and tie and me in a dress. It's going to be very nice. And then, we're going to try to make a baby.

Just don't tell my co-workers, they wouldn't approve.

It might as well be an eternity.

Why is that I should be so happy... but I'm not?

I have a job. In this economy, I should be thankful for that. But I'm upset that my hours suck my co-workers and my bosses have been grumpy and taking it out on me. I hate that since DH works 8-5, when they schedule me the evening shift, we don't see each other all day. (I was told I would get 2 evenings a week when I was hired, next week I have 3 plus Saturday.)

I should be incredibly thankful that I'm married to DH. I am, I'm very very thankful that he's mine. Sometimes I still can't believe how fortunate I am. But I still find myself thinking it's not enough. I'm not just happy to be his wife, I want to be his kid's mommy.

I should be thankful for the wonderful apartment I have. It's a very nice place (despite the lack of AC), more like a townhouse than an apartment, but priced as a cheap apartment. It's pretty, has hard wood floors, and nice open rooms. But I can't help wishing I had a house of my own. I wish I could paint and decorate and have a washer and a dryer.

I'm so close to achieving some of my goals. If all goes according to plan, by this time next year I'll be sitting in my own house and holding my baby. DH will be working and I'll be staying at home with the baby, or at least only working part time. I'm so close. But, here's the thing: I'm done with waiting. I'm so done. My patience with bad schedules and never seeing my husband is worn thin. I'm tired of stress and schedules keeping me from getting pregnant. I don't have the energy to keep doing this. I'm so close, but those 7 months might as well be an eternity.

CD1!!!!

I'm incredibly happy to report that after 53 days, AF has shown again! :-) (I doubt this occurrence has ever made anyone so happy before...)
I sent my brother a text of this happy news (we have a weird relationship, I know, but I talk to him about trying to get pregnant all the time.) and this was his response: "Yeah! My baby sister is going back to have lots of unprotected sex! I haven't been this excited since... ever!" But then he also said he was kidding and was excited for me. :-) There's a little truth to every joke though- he's excited for me that I'm happy, he's looking forward to being an uncle, but he also really wants to stab my husband in the face for touching his baby sister, haha. My brother is protective of me, what can I say?

On other news, I think everyone I know is pregnant. Do I know you? Then you should potentially take a pregnancy test because seriously, everyone I know is pregnant. An old friend who got married almost a year after me just announced on facebook that she's 20 weeks along. It should've been my turn first, I was married first. :-( That's a bad attitude, I know, and I realize it's stupid. Sometimes I just feel like that though- I've been married since 2009, it should be my freaking turn already.

"I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, 'Do you know anybody who has AIDS?'. He says, 'No'. I say, 'Cool, because you know me.'" (-Mitch Hedberg)

Is this bad?

Is it bad that when I see moms who don't appreciate their kids, I get mad because I would've appreciated them?

Is it bad that when I see parents making bad parenting choices, it upsets me because I think I would've done differently?

Is it bad that when I see kids who have no involved father, it makes me sad because my husband would be an amazing father?

Is it bad that when I see my friends happy and expecting babies, it makes me cry from jealousy?

Is it bad that when I see a pregnant woman complaining about being pregnant, I want to slap her and tell her to just appreciate it?

Is it bad that when I hear about a woman who is pregnant and gets "cold feet" and questions her decision to become pregnant, I want to scream at her?

Is it bad that when I hear about a newlywed couple who is already expecting, it makes me feel slighted?


Is it bad that when I hear about high school kids who accidentally get pregnant, I feel like there is no justice at all in the world?

Is it bad that every time I hear about a baby murdered or being aborted, it makes me hate the world just a little bit more since people who don't want kids throw them away while people who desperately do can't have any?

Doctor's appointment

I saw the OB/GYN today. Basically she doesn't know why my stomach was hurting, but since it stopped now why worry? She also doesn't know why I still haven't gotten my period, but she thinks it's because of the depo shot I got a year ago now. A whole freaking year. Getting the depo shot was the worst decision I've ever made. (Not exaggerating.) She did say she thinks my weight has a lot to do with me not getting a period and told me to lose 15 pounds and see her again in 6 months.

Have I mentioned I hate waiting?

It might be good advice. I'm quite confident it is. In fact, I would most certainly like to lose weight even if she didn't suggest it- I have all my super cute size 4 and 6 clothes from before I hurt my back in a chest in my room and I'd very much like to wear them again. But the fact is this: I'm tired of waiting to become a mommy.