Words that change your life

It's amazing how just a few words can change your life forever. And once you hear them, you hear them over and over in your head. They could be happy like "will you marry me?" or "you're pregnant!" or sad like "you have cancer."
In my case, those words were spoken by my husband on Tuesday morning and my life will never be the same. "There was a fire... [my brother's girlfriend/ unofficial fiance] got out... [my brother] didn't..." I stared at him in shock for a second waiting for the end of the sentence... So he's in the hospital or so he's hurt really bad. But that was the end of the sentence. He didn't get out. My 26 year old brother, one of my best friends, lawyer, the smartest guy I have ever met without exception, one of the funniest people on this planet, is gone. Just like that. At 10:30, he was playing Facebook on tetris. At midnight, he had a night cap of vodka. At 2am, they awoke to a smoke filled bedroom. He went to see what was going on, came back for his girlfriend. Apparently he was already disoriented because of the smoke because he couldn't find the exit. She didn't realize he wasn't following her and she couldn't find him in the thick black smoke. Thank god she had the sense to leave when she did or we would have lost her too.

"pain is weakness leaving the body"

Apparently, a lot of weakness is leaving my abs and calves today... Pain is good. It means I'm working the muscles, it means they're getting stronger. 20 minute walk with dh and then a 1-2 minute jog later (reeeeaaaallly out of shape. I'm working my way up to it.). I consumed less than 1200 calories today. I'm not ready to start singing "I'm sexy and I know it"- I'm about a year away from that, but I'm feeling pretty good about my progress! Go me!!

Self improvement

I've been feeling better these last few weeks. My mom has been coming over and staying with me during the day and we've been taking walks. When dh gets home in the evening, we go for a short jog. The exercise is helping my mood too, plus I'm feeling better about myself for having the motivation to do it. I'm proud of myself.
I decided to let my hair grow long again. It's above shoulder length right now, but I'm looking forward to being able to style it again. :-)
So there's my goal: I want to be 120 pounds and have long hair.

Screeching halt...

I mentioned before I was struggling with my depression, I think. I had thought I was getting more stable and getting better. I thought my medicine was working. About a week and a half ago, I had a severe depressive crisis. I tried to kill myself by swallowing 4 bottles full of sedatives. After they made sure my kidneys weren't going to fail, they put me in the psych ward. I spent two nights there, and now my psychiatrist has recommended I have 24/7 supervision for at least a month. I can't drive, all my medications are Nina lock box, and all my knives and scissors are hidden. I'm really sick.
This has nothing to do with my life. I wasn't abused as a child, I was never raped, and I've never been to war or anything. It's a genetic illness caused by chemical imbalances. I hope you don't judge me for the decisions I made when I was confused and sick, but that's the complete truth.
Obviously baby making is on hold for now. The fertility specialist recommended I wait at least 3 months to have the iui. I'm thinking probably longer. I want to make sure I'm not going to go into depressive crisis while I'm pregnant, which means I need to be very stable on my meds.
I'm really struggling with blaming myself. My family has been so supportive and telling me it's not my fault, I'm just sick, but I can't help beat myself up. My mom thought she was going to lose her daughter to suicide on mother's day weekend. My older brother had nightmares after I sent him texts telling him goodbye, that I was killing myself. He is 3 hours away and he felt so powerless. My dad blames himself and says he must've been a bad dad. I put my whole family through hell... And myself too. How can I not blame myself?

Bag of fun

The fertility center supplied us with the sterile container for dh's semen analysis. They gave it to us in a non-descript brown paper bag. Before we moved two weeks ago, my mom was helping me pack. She found the brown bag and asked me what it was. I answered "[dh's] bag of fun", and explained how even though it's going to be analyzed it's still fun for him to collect it. I don't find that to be fair since a pap smear rarely involves an orgasm. Mom suggested I put it away so the movers (who happened to be our parents and siblings, most of whom don't know about dh's condition) wouldn't find it and create an awkward situation the day of the move. I promptly forgot. The day prior to the move, mom was helping me with last minute details and found the bag again. Unsure of what to call it, she carried it to me and said quite sheepishly "you forgot to hide your bag of fun."

That story is maybe funnier if you know that my mom is very proper and prim. A true southern bell. Doesn't even say "sucks" or "crap" because it's crude. It made my day, I laughed so hard!

Tomorrow is his appointment for the analysis, so watch for an update! Hopefully my next update I'll know when my evaluation for the iui will be.

Update

Sorry I haven't posted for awhile- there hasn't really been much to say.

Dh and I saw the fertility specialist this morning. He was very positive about our situation. He wants to repeat dh's semen analysis and if the results are consistent with the previous test, proceed with doing an iui. He says we can move through the process fairly quickly.

I'm so excited. I'm going somewhere, not just trying and trying. I like having a plan, it makes me feel like the situation is in my control.

Baby names

Maybe one of the first date questions should be "What do you like in a baby name?" I worked in a portrait studio for 2 years and during that time, I saw a lot of names. Some so unusual you weren't sure if the child was male or female. Those were usually the ones that showed up for their appointment with baby dressed in perfectly generic clothes. Maybe they were like that family in London that decided to keep their baby gender neutral until he or she is old enough to pick what he or she wants to be. I also saw names like John and Steve and Sally. Boring. Strong and beautiful names, but baby would have a billion classmates with their name all their life. So I like unusual names that are still common enough that people have heard them and can pronounce them. I hate gender neutral names. You'll never find me introducing my child with a name like Alex.
DH on the other hand, likes biblical or traditional names. But not old people names- they're right out. I like Walter. He hates it. ("Sounds like some old person.") I like mason, he hates it. ("Thats not traditional! I'd always think of canning jars...")
My favorite name for a baby boy? Mason Joseph. My mom and DH like Micah Joseph. Mil agrees with me but apparently she doesn't have enough control of her son anymore to get him to sway to our side and leave my mom all alone. Since sadly, neither do I, whenever we finally have a baby boy, his name will be Micah Joseph.
Girls names we have had more luck. We have two names we both love. Kaylee Grace and Nova Joy. They're nothing alike except that we agree on them!!
So what's our criteria in a baby name? It must be traditional but not too traditional that it's an "old person" name (does it not occur to hubby that all those old people named Walter and Haddie were babies once too?). It must be unique, but not too unique. It must be gender specific. And DH and I have to agree. I don't think we'll be having many kids at this rate... Or maybe we'll just issue them numbers. "Hey child #3! It's your turn to clear the table!" Do you think hubby will agree on that?