Its not a bad idea to examine your own life once in awhile and see just who you are. It's like the song "this is your life- are you who you want to be?" Am I who I want to be? I don't think I can answer yes to that question. I'm 23 and yes, I'm married, but that's the only part of my goal for myself I've accomplished. I want to be happy with preparing for my life the way I want it, but I'm not. Not at all. I'm tired of working, I'm ready to be at stay at home mom. I'm tired of a messy house because I don't have time to clean it. This is my life and I'm not who I want to be. Not even close.
But what can I do?
Friday, September 23, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Motivation
I think I'm killing time in a good way. I decided since I can't get pregnant right now, I should work on being healthier. I downloaded an iPhone app to help me keep track of my calorie intake and exercise. So far I've been eating a lot healthier! At the end of the day, it tells you "if everyday were like today, you would weigh this much in 5 weeks". Such an eye opener! On Sunday, I went to visit my brother at college and ate out twice. That was the night I downloaded the program. I would gain 5 pounds in 5 weeks if I ate like that everyday! Since then, I've been eating less than 1500 calories each day. I learned that salad is pretty filling and low in calories if you top it with scallops. I learned that boiled eggs only have 70 calories and are a pretty filling breakfast. I think as I learn more tricks like that, eating healthy will keep getting easier. I'm excited to see results. According to my app, I should lose about 2 pounds per week. At that rate, within 9 months I should be back at my ideal weight! Hurray! :-) I'll look sexy and when we get this financial situation straightened out, I should have an easier time getting pregnant without this extra weight. :-)
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Waiting...
My period still hasn't come. This month is different though. I don't feel anxious, I don't feel stressed about it. I'm ambivalent. The reason why is simple: it doesn't matter at all. I don't think I'm currently pregnant (although DH is picking some pregnancy tests up for me to use tomorrow morning since that will be the one week late mark) and since we can't try, it doesn't matter at what point I am in my cycle. I've reached that broken acceptance point. It kills me, but it is what it is. My dream is dead, it's gone. By the time I have my first baby, I'll be 26 at least. There's just not much time to have my big happy family after that. I could blame my in-laws for telling DH that the insurance would be okay (in fact, I do blame them, I'm just not bitter anymore), or I could blame DH for believing them. The fact is though that nothing would change, nothing at all. The medical bills would still need to be paid.
I think about my dream: I can picture it so clearly because it's a scene I've experienced before. In my dream, I'm wearing an apron. That might seem weird, but it's not because there are cookies in the oven and I don't want to have to change my outfit before DH gets home. There are kids there too. One has brownish red hair and looks so much like me. She's holding a mixing bowl. I'm teasing her for eating the cookie dough. There's another kid there too- a blonde boy, sitting at the table. From time to time I walk over and help him with the school work he's working on. There's a toddler there too, in a play pen keeping himself occupied while mom is busy with the older kids and cooking. I've done this with my mom- I was the child, wearing the little apron so I could be just like mommy. I've always dreamed of one day being the mommy, the one in the adult sized apron with my daughter mimicking my every move and wanting to be just like me. Nothing else mattered.
When I was little, I wrote in my journal that I wanted to get married even though boys were gross because girls can't have babies by themselves and someone would need to work. Of course, desires change and I love DH more than my own life... But one thing hasn't: being a mom is my most important life goal. Everyday people use their last living thought to think of their unfinished goals. Someday, I'll be one of them. One or two of my kids might be there, but I'm pretty sure I'll always feel like someone is missing. Like my family should've been bigger. Like their 3rd and 4th siblings should've been there too, giving them a strength of numbers to deal with my loss.
Broken acceptance is a sad thing. It's a state of giving up, of letting go. But the hollow ache is so much more bearable than the anguish that accompanies a breaking heart.
I think about my dream: I can picture it so clearly because it's a scene I've experienced before. In my dream, I'm wearing an apron. That might seem weird, but it's not because there are cookies in the oven and I don't want to have to change my outfit before DH gets home. There are kids there too. One has brownish red hair and looks so much like me. She's holding a mixing bowl. I'm teasing her for eating the cookie dough. There's another kid there too- a blonde boy, sitting at the table. From time to time I walk over and help him with the school work he's working on. There's a toddler there too, in a play pen keeping himself occupied while mom is busy with the older kids and cooking. I've done this with my mom- I was the child, wearing the little apron so I could be just like mommy. I've always dreamed of one day being the mommy, the one in the adult sized apron with my daughter mimicking my every move and wanting to be just like me. Nothing else mattered.
When I was little, I wrote in my journal that I wanted to get married even though boys were gross because girls can't have babies by themselves and someone would need to work. Of course, desires change and I love DH more than my own life... But one thing hasn't: being a mom is my most important life goal. Everyday people use their last living thought to think of their unfinished goals. Someday, I'll be one of them. One or two of my kids might be there, but I'm pretty sure I'll always feel like someone is missing. Like my family should've been bigger. Like their 3rd and 4th siblings should've been there too, giving them a strength of numbers to deal with my loss.
Broken acceptance is a sad thing. It's a state of giving up, of letting go. But the hollow ache is so much more bearable than the anguish that accompanies a breaking heart.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Medical bills...
Looks like baby making is on hold again... This time semi-permanently. Turns out my dear DH was not covered by health insurance earlier this year when he had a major procedure done. We thought he had private insurance through FIL but he didn't and that is another story altogether. After the procedure when we found out he wasn't covered we applied for Medicaid and were denied. We apparently "make too much".
If any of you know anyone who is rich and wants to be less rich, let me know. If not, we'll probably have to wait until this is paid off to try and get pregnant, which may take years. I probably won't be on here for awhile... Baby makes three will hurt too much to read since there will be just us two.
Thanks for all your support while I've been trying, guys.
If any of you know anyone who is rich and wants to be less rich, let me know. If not, we'll probably have to wait until this is paid off to try and get pregnant, which may take years. I probably won't be on here for awhile... Baby makes three will hurt too much to read since there will be just us two.
Thanks for all your support while I've been trying, guys.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Still no period...
It's so frustrating! I have the official doctor's go ahead to try to get pregnant. My period was due on Friday.
Last Friday I took an ovulation test and it was positive. We did have sex within 24 hours, so it's possible I'm pregnant. That was the only time we had sex this month without a condom so I doubt I'm pregnant. I haven't even been taking my pre-natal because I ran out and I didn't make picking up more a priority since I didn't think I would be pregnant. I don't know why I would've ovulated that late anyhow.
Come on, AF. I want my cycle to start over so I can start trying!
Last Friday I took an ovulation test and it was positive. We did have sex within 24 hours, so it's possible I'm pregnant. That was the only time we had sex this month without a condom so I doubt I'm pregnant. I haven't even been taking my pre-natal because I ran out and I didn't make picking up more a priority since I didn't think I would be pregnant. I don't know why I would've ovulated that late anyhow.
Come on, AF. I want my cycle to start over so I can start trying!
Friday, September 9, 2011
Medically cleared! :-)
My hunch was right- the MRI was clear, my symptoms were probably caused by me wrenching my back and injuring a nerve. I have officially been cleared to try to get pregnant! Hurray! My symptoms are mostly gone now but my doctor thinks they will continue to subside and not bother me anymore. :-)
Sunday, September 4, 2011
AMA
(against medical advice)
DH and I are officially trying to conceive again! The doctors said not to. I'm remembering that's advice, not an order. I'm not on any medication that would be bad for the baby if I got pregnant, so if the MRI results are bad and I'm pregnant, they'll just have to wait to fix it. I already had the MRI so that's not a concern either. My follow up is next Friday, I'll find out what's wrong for sure then. Hopefully it's nothing bad because if I get my way, they won't be able to do surgery on me for at least 9 months. :-)
My MIL asks too many questions. Back on Easter Sunday, we had the following conversation:
MIL: "My friend was just telling me yesterday how much fun having a grandbaby is! I commented on how I'll be able to experience that here soon, and she got all surprised and if you were pregnant. I told her no, you'll know when they are, that's for sure, they're just in that stage of life so I'm sure it will be soon."
I took 2 things from this statement: 1) I'd better not tell my mother in law that I'm expecting until I'm okay with the world knowing because her best friend will know "for sure" and 2) my MIL assumes way too much about my sex life and my plans for reproduction.
I replied quite nicely (and vaguely) with this statement:
"Oh my mom has been making comments about how we should have kids recently. I told her she would just have to wait until we're ready."
My mom hadn't been making comments. She didn't start that for like another month... Sigh. I just wanted a way of saying "you just have to wait" without saying "you just have to wait". I thought it worked.
Apparently there is something about your 2 year wedding anniversary- I guess if you haven't popped one out by then, you're behind on the stages of life. My bad, I didn't know that rule. MIL started making baby comments 6 months before our anniversary. My mom is a patient woman, she waited til 5 months before our anniversary to tell me she'd "done the math" and she was going to be old when her grand kid graduates high school. (hadn't thought of that mom! We were going to wait, but by golly we wouldn't want you in a wheelchair in the pictures of junior's high school graduation party so we'll get right on that for you...)
That worked, for awhile.... DH visited his mom this week without me, so that gave her the perfect opportunity to ask him the hard questions since she already knew I wasn't going to talk. She tried the same tactic: everyone is asking when you're going to have a baby. DH just laughed. Too non-committal. So she point blank asked- "you didn't answer, does that mean you're trying?"
How about this for an answer: "No! I didn't answer because it's not something we want people to know!" DH went for the more polite option and told her the truth: we weren't supposed to get pregnant while they didn't know what was wrong with my neck. (hey, it was true at the time.)
It frustrates me when people pry. I'll tell you when I'm pregnant. If I don't, you'll figure it out after like 5 months. ;-) if you ask questions and I shrug them off, it's because I don't want to answer. K, thanks.
DH and I are officially trying to conceive again! The doctors said not to. I'm remembering that's advice, not an order. I'm not on any medication that would be bad for the baby if I got pregnant, so if the MRI results are bad and I'm pregnant, they'll just have to wait to fix it. I already had the MRI so that's not a concern either. My follow up is next Friday, I'll find out what's wrong for sure then. Hopefully it's nothing bad because if I get my way, they won't be able to do surgery on me for at least 9 months. :-)
My MIL asks too many questions. Back on Easter Sunday, we had the following conversation:
MIL: "My friend was just telling me yesterday how much fun having a grandbaby is! I commented on how I'll be able to experience that here soon, and she got all surprised and if you were pregnant. I told her no, you'll know when they are, that's for sure, they're just in that stage of life so I'm sure it will be soon."
I took 2 things from this statement: 1) I'd better not tell my mother in law that I'm expecting until I'm okay with the world knowing because her best friend will know "for sure" and 2) my MIL assumes way too much about my sex life and my plans for reproduction.
I replied quite nicely (and vaguely) with this statement:
"Oh my mom has been making comments about how we should have kids recently. I told her she would just have to wait until we're ready."
My mom hadn't been making comments. She didn't start that for like another month... Sigh. I just wanted a way of saying "you just have to wait" without saying "you just have to wait". I thought it worked.
Apparently there is something about your 2 year wedding anniversary- I guess if you haven't popped one out by then, you're behind on the stages of life. My bad, I didn't know that rule. MIL started making baby comments 6 months before our anniversary. My mom is a patient woman, she waited til 5 months before our anniversary to tell me she'd "done the math" and she was going to be old when her grand kid graduates high school. (hadn't thought of that mom! We were going to wait, but by golly we wouldn't want you in a wheelchair in the pictures of junior's high school graduation party so we'll get right on that for you...)
That worked, for awhile.... DH visited his mom this week without me, so that gave her the perfect opportunity to ask him the hard questions since she already knew I wasn't going to talk. She tried the same tactic: everyone is asking when you're going to have a baby. DH just laughed. Too non-committal. So she point blank asked- "you didn't answer, does that mean you're trying?"
How about this for an answer: "No! I didn't answer because it's not something we want people to know!" DH went for the more polite option and told her the truth: we weren't supposed to get pregnant while they didn't know what was wrong with my neck. (hey, it was true at the time.)
It frustrates me when people pry. I'll tell you when I'm pregnant. If I don't, you'll figure it out after like 5 months. ;-) if you ask questions and I shrug them off, it's because I don't want to answer. K, thanks.
An odd turn on, but I think he'll take what he can get.
Is it strange that babies turn me on? Not just a little. Not just I could do it right now. I'm talking full blown girl- woody.
DH and I went out together today and we were waiting in line behind a guy holding a baby. The guy was nothing spectacular, to be honest I can't really remember what he looked like. The baby on the other hand was so.freaking.adorable. Pudgy little legs, round little cheeks, and a fuzzy little head. And then... he yawned. I could've jumped DH right there in the middle of the waterpark. I'm only kidding a little when I say I considered using the family bathroom for something other than it's intended purpose. (I'm pretty sure you're supposed to take your family there, not MAKE your family there.)
DH wants to know if there is a good YouTube video of a baby yawning he can use for next time I'm not in the mood when he's ready to go... Who needs porn, anyhow?
DH and I went out together today and we were waiting in line behind a guy holding a baby. The guy was nothing spectacular, to be honest I can't really remember what he looked like. The baby on the other hand was so.freaking.adorable. Pudgy little legs, round little cheeks, and a fuzzy little head. And then... he yawned. I could've jumped DH right there in the middle of the waterpark. I'm only kidding a little when I say I considered using the family bathroom for something other than it's intended purpose. (I'm pretty sure you're supposed to take your family there, not MAKE your family there.)
DH wants to know if there is a good YouTube video of a baby yawning he can use for next time I'm not in the mood when he's ready to go... Who needs porn, anyhow?
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Update
There's not really so much to update on, but I figured I should let my loyal readers know that I'm still alive, haha.
My symptoms with my neck have been getting less severe and I'm really hopeful that we'll be able to start trying again very soon!! I'm going for an MRI tomorrow and I follow up with the doctor a week from tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers!!!!
My symptoms with my neck have been getting less severe and I'm really hopeful that we'll be able to start trying again very soon!! I'm going for an MRI tomorrow and I follow up with the doctor a week from tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers!!!!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)