One sentence shatters it all: "low sperm count"

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I wasn't ready to share this news... DH has a very low sperm count. His sperm count is 8 million per cc. Sounds like a lot, but normal is 20 million to 100 million... And they prefer high end of normal. There's less than a 25% chance DH will ever get me pregnant naturally. We're scheduling an appointment to see the fertility specialist and hopefully get DH put on clomid. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. The next step would be an iui or a sperm donor, if what I've read on google is correct. I guess we'll find out when we see the new doctor... Which isn't until April. :-(

I just want a baby... I'm struggling with this news. I'm trying to put my happy face on for DH's sake because I don't want him to feel like its his fault or something. But I just want to curl up and cry.

Dreams

How do you accept it when you have to let your dreams go? We've spent so long trying to get pregnant. Now, thanks to my anxiety, I'm on meds that aren't safe for pregnancy. It kills me to use a condom. It really does. :-(
All I want is a soft, blond haired baby. I want to kiss his fuzzy head and whisper "mommy loves you, micah." Mommy... I want to be mommy...

A thought vomit from my messed up brain

I know, it's supposed to be thought vomit Thursday. My bad. Today shall henceforth be the first and only thought vomit... Monday!

-did I mention I'm going to be on fmla leave from work until I get more stabilized and figure this problem out? My brother says that means I'm officially crazy now. I told him that I've probably been official since my overnight stay in the psych ward a few years ago. I don't know when I'll be back to work. Depends on how long it takes for my meds to make me feel human again. I need to be able to concentrate well enough that my patients aren't at risk of me making a mistake.
-I'm seeing a counselor tomorrow morning. My employer pays for 3 sessions as a courtesy to us. I'm hopeful that she can help me and refer me to someone that can help find a cocktail of meds that actually does work for me... Not that my primary care doc isn't amazing... I just don't think he's got the added schooling needed to know how to correctly use these drugs.
-I took my night time meds over an hour ago, but I'm still awake. How long does freaking ambien take to kick in? About an hour after I took it I started obsessing over maybe I just thought I took it and I dropped it on the floor. Maybe ally or buttons ate it. That would probably be a fatal dose of ambien at their size.... I actually crawled around on my hands and knees in my kitchen looking under everything to see if I'd dropped the pill. I didn't see it. I counted the number of pills left in the bottle and the number of days I've taken it and the correct number is missing.... So I can conclude that if it's not in it's bottle, it's not on the floor then I either took it or one of the animals did. If one of them took it instead of me, I'll be wide awake anyway so I can just take them down to the emergency vet.
I think I have OCD, thinking this plan through a lot.
I'm feeling sleepy-dopey. I think the missing ambien was in my belly the whole time! Goodnight world...

When it rains, it pours...

Murphy's law states that bad things always come in threes.

Bad thing #1: My anxiety is out of control. Completely.
1A: Bad reaction to klonopin.
1B: Ativan stops working.
1C: Xanax gives me headaches.

Bad thing #2: My dog is terrified of the air conditioner cover. It's one of those plastic shrinky things that you tape around the ac unit and then shrink with your hair dryer. Unfortunately, everytime the wind blows, it crinkles. Who knew that was terrifying? So everytime the wind blows during the night, my 50 pound dog jumps into the bed to snuggle between DH and I.

Bad thing #3: DH is apparently severely allergic to the new detergent I used last weekend. He broke out in hives do badly his boss was afraid he was going to swell up and die. He sent him home and offered to drive him. Now our sheets and pretty much every article of clothing we own has to be re-washed... Lovely.

So that's three. We're done for awhile, right? Please say yes...