Well I guess that's it?

Yesterday was a definite positive, but I used the last strip I had to get it. I meant to pick up more, but I forgot when I went in the store. I'm still not so sure what this means, but I'm crossing my fingers that I'll have karen's good fortune and finally see my bfp after all these positive OPKs!

Feeling like a broken record

Because I'm going to say the exact same thing I have for the past 3 days: I dipped the test into the cup and right away I got a dark definite positive. I also took a pregnancy test in case I'd ovulated super early and the positive OPKs were because I was pregnant, but that was negative. I'm not disappointed like I usually am when I take one of those because I didn't expect it to be positive. And besides, hopefully all these positives (and all the baby dancing we've been doing) means later this month I'll get that beautiful second line!

Still positive!

So confusing... What is my body doing? I think I might take a pregnant test tomorrow. Maybe I ovulated really really early and all these positive OPKs mean I'm actually pregnant? I can hope anyhow... If not, I'm clueless.

Positive again? Now that's just confusing..,

There's still 3 minutes left on the clock until I'm supposed to read my OPK, but it's already reading positive for sure. 2 mornings ago it was sort of dark, I thought it might be positive especially since I was testing with fmu and you're not supposed to. Yesterday was definitely positive right away. Now so is today's. I've never stayed positive for so long, what does it mean? When was or is my lh surge? And when am I ovulating??

Why does this all have to be so darn confusing?

And then we wait...

Ah, the 2ww...

I think the worst part is not knowing if you're pregnant or not, but still having to act like it. In my job, there are a few things I can't do or have to do differently. Plus I have to watch what I eat and drink and all that. MIL doesn't know we're trying and she uses raw dairy and a sweetener called stevia- neither of which is pregnancy safe. Of course there's always some special event that falls during that time of the month and we have to visit... So since I can't ask what she used or request that she not use raw dairy or sweetener, I just have to act like I'm not that hungry and just not eat anything that contains milk or butter or sugar. That pretty much rules out, well, everything. Last time, they only made one mini burger per person and she'd also made pasta salad and stuff. I ate the mini burger and some chips... My tummy was growling. Its better than asking questions, raising her suspicion and having to endure her questioning though...

Positive!!!

My OPK, that is. By minute 2 out of the 5, the test line was already darker than the control. I don't know how to post pictures from my iPhone though so you'll just have to take my word for it. :-)

iPhone and TTC

Everything is high tech now, it seems. Why should getting knocked up be any different? And I'm not just talking about IVF- even a couple trying to conceive on their own can be high tech about it.

I just got an iPhone. It's the most amazing phone ever. My mom called it an "iPod you can talk on", but that's really just the beginning! It's an iPod, a phone and a computer, and more, thanks to all the apps. I even found one app that utilizes the built in vibrator as a personal massager... I doubt it's waterproof though, ladies... :-p (who thinks of these things?)

I downloaded an app called ladytimer and so far it's been quite helpful. It's a calendar and you enter in when you have your periods, your temps, even when you have sex. It color codes it all for you for ease of interpretation.

So far, I've just been using OPKs as a method of determining when I'm ovulating, temping seemed too much hassle and too complicated. However, if I'm on my iPhone 24/7 anyway (which so far, I am), it's seeming a lot more doable. If I don't get my bfp this month, I'm planning to start temping next cycle.

So I guess the summary of that is my iPhone is encouraging me to be more proactive on TTC. Hopefully my increased efforts will pay off quickly! Then I can someday tell my little one "you started out as an app on mommy's phone!"

Blech.... Maybe not.

CD11

Here's my test from this morning:

And negative...

CD10

Here's my test:

Once again, definitely negative.

CD9

Here's my test strip from CD9.

Definitely negative. It's interesting to note though that my work schedule prohibits me from testing except in the morning. (I wake up at 6am to pee when DH says goodbye before leaving for work, go back to sleep til 9am, test at 9 when I get up the second time, and then work from 12-9) I'm going to try to start temping next month since you can do that first thing in the morning.

The way it's different now

When we were dating, DH used to laugh at me all the time. He thought it was so cute that I did this. I would curl up in his arms against his chest and I would subconsciously sigh. It was a happy little sigh, and I wouldn't even realize I had done it.

I haven't sighed like that in a long time. It's different now. When I curl up in DH's arms, instead of feeling euphoric, I feel like I'm hanging on for dear life. I feel like a storm is raging and he's my little bit of shelter. I have to cling to him for everything that I am, or risk being lost forever.


I think it hurts DH's feelings that I don't sigh anymore. I think he blames my sadness and my depression on himself, or at least feel like he should fix everything for me. It's not that easy though.

Hopefully one day soon I'll sigh again. Until then, I'll continue to hide from life in his arms... even if it is just for a little while until I have to face it all again.

Something I've been struggling with...

In a word: Overwhelmed. 

Life is sort of life an ocean, isn't it? You swim along, attempting to find your direction in the swirling, dashing waves. Sometimes you get lucky and find a piece of driftwood you can cling to for awhile. And sometimes you find yourself in a face off with sharks. But you're always swimming, one way or another. Recently I've felt like I've spent most of my time being sucked under. As soon as I find myself gasping for breath and pulling my head up, the next wave comes and pulls me back under. I just can't get ahead, can't get my breath.

And the people I'm swimming with are no help. There are a few who would have my back if the sharks came, but for the most part, I feel like they're polite just because they have to be. Sometimes I wish I knew exactly what they thought of me... and sometimes I'm glad I don't.

Is there a lighthouse?

Where is this going? Is there an island somewhere that we're swimming toward? Or is this life? Swimming, gasping, swimming? What's the point? We swim until we can swim no longer and then we sink?

Overwhelmed.

BFN

Woke up this morning and tested... BFN. AF is due today, let's hope she comes on schedule so we can try again next month. Depressing.

End of the 2WW Eve

AF is due tomorrow!!!! I'm hoping hoping hoping that tomorrow AF will not come. I'm hoping hoping hoping she won't just be late for no reason either. It would be super awesome if I find out in the morning that I'm pregnant. Cross your fingers for me!!! :-)

Our vacation to the beach was amazing although I am completely covered in bug bites- despite all the bug spray I wore. It was great to get away with DH and not think about work or TTC... It helped me not get too impatient too!!! :-)

Vacation

DH and I have been at the beach this weekend. It's been awesome to relax and spend time with DH away from the stress of our everyday life. It's also been good because being away has distracted me from coming to the end of our 2ww and keeping me from testing every single day out of impatience. The next time I'll be able to test is on wednesday, which is the day my period is expected.

The only thing that's worrying me is that I've been using a ton of bug spray. I'm afraid that if I have an implanting baby in there, all the chemicals will keep that from happening.

Despite all my bug spray, I've been getting eaten alive. The other night, we got out of our car and within a minute there was like a swarm of mosquitos all around me. DH had none. We got back in the car and drove several minutes and when we stopped the car again, there was a swarm of mosquitos around my window before we even opened the car doors! Apparently the word has spread... I am to mosquitos what Bella is to Edward. :-( Maybe pregnant people taste better? Here's hoping, haha. :-)