Self improvement

I've been feeling better these last few weeks. My mom has been coming over and staying with me during the day and we've been taking walks. When dh gets home in the evening, we go for a short jog. The exercise is helping my mood too, plus I'm feeling better about myself for having the motivation to do it. I'm proud of myself.
I decided to let my hair grow long again. It's above shoulder length right now, but I'm looking forward to being able to style it again. :-)
So there's my goal: I want to be 120 pounds and have long hair.

Screeching halt...

I mentioned before I was struggling with my depression, I think. I had thought I was getting more stable and getting better. I thought my medicine was working. About a week and a half ago, I had a severe depressive crisis. I tried to kill myself by swallowing 4 bottles full of sedatives. After they made sure my kidneys weren't going to fail, they put me in the psych ward. I spent two nights there, and now my psychiatrist has recommended I have 24/7 supervision for at least a month. I can't drive, all my medications are Nina lock box, and all my knives and scissors are hidden. I'm really sick.
This has nothing to do with my life. I wasn't abused as a child, I was never raped, and I've never been to war or anything. It's a genetic illness caused by chemical imbalances. I hope you don't judge me for the decisions I made when I was confused and sick, but that's the complete truth.
Obviously baby making is on hold for now. The fertility specialist recommended I wait at least 3 months to have the iui. I'm thinking probably longer. I want to make sure I'm not going to go into depressive crisis while I'm pregnant, which means I need to be very stable on my meds.
I'm really struggling with blaming myself. My family has been so supportive and telling me it's not my fault, I'm just sick, but I can't help beat myself up. My mom thought she was going to lose her daughter to suicide on mother's day weekend. My older brother had nightmares after I sent him texts telling him goodbye, that I was killing myself. He is 3 hours away and he felt so powerless. My dad blames himself and says he must've been a bad dad. I put my whole family through hell... And myself too. How can I not blame myself?

Bag of fun

The fertility center supplied us with the sterile container for dh's semen analysis. They gave it to us in a non-descript brown paper bag. Before we moved two weeks ago, my mom was helping me pack. She found the brown bag and asked me what it was. I answered "[dh's] bag of fun", and explained how even though it's going to be analyzed it's still fun for him to collect it. I don't find that to be fair since a pap smear rarely involves an orgasm. Mom suggested I put it away so the movers (who happened to be our parents and siblings, most of whom don't know about dh's condition) wouldn't find it and create an awkward situation the day of the move. I promptly forgot. The day prior to the move, mom was helping me with last minute details and found the bag again. Unsure of what to call it, she carried it to me and said quite sheepishly "you forgot to hide your bag of fun."

That story is maybe funnier if you know that my mom is very proper and prim. A true southern bell. Doesn't even say "sucks" or "crap" because it's crude. It made my day, I laughed so hard!

Tomorrow is his appointment for the analysis, so watch for an update! Hopefully my next update I'll know when my evaluation for the iui will be.