I mentioned before I was struggling with my depression, I think. I had thought I was getting more stable and getting better. I thought my medicine was working. About a week and a half ago, I had a severe depressive crisis. I tried to kill myself by swallowing 4 bottles full of sedatives. After they made sure my kidneys weren't going to fail, they put me in the psych ward. I spent two nights there, and now my psychiatrist has recommended I have 24/7 supervision for at least a month. I can't drive, all my medications are Nina lock box, and all my knives and scissors are hidden. I'm really sick.
This has nothing to do with my life. I wasn't abused as a child, I was never raped, and I've never been to war or anything. It's a genetic illness caused by chemical imbalances. I hope you don't judge me for the decisions I made when I was confused and sick, but that's the complete truth.
Obviously baby making is on hold for now. The fertility specialist recommended I wait at least 3 months to have the iui. I'm thinking probably longer. I want to make sure I'm not going to go into depressive crisis while I'm pregnant, which means I need to be very stable on my meds.
I'm really struggling with blaming myself. My family has been so supportive and telling me it's not my fault, I'm just sick, but I can't help beat myself up. My mom thought she was going to lose her daughter to suicide on mother's day weekend. My older brother had nightmares after I sent him texts telling him goodbye, that I was killing myself. He is 3 hours away and he felt so powerless. My dad blames himself and says he must've been a bad dad. I put my whole family through hell... And myself too. How can I not blame myself?
No comments:
Post a Comment