What to do when the baby dreams are gone

Since I'm not allowed to get pregnant, I figured I would do something I've been wanting to do and haven't been able to do: bleach my teeth! Since I work in a dental office, that's pretty easy to do. I already had bleaching trays so today I bought the bleach. Boy does this stuff taste nasty!!! I have to keep it in my mouth for an hour! Bleh.... :-( it's been 3 minutes so far! Well at least my teeth will be bright and white, right?

Pause....

A couple weeks ago I started noticing my fingers were tingling and numb. It's gotten progressively worse since then, now I have numbness all through my hands and shooting pains down my arms. I wish I could say I have no clue what this is, but this feeling is all too familiar. Several years ago I ruptured a disc in my lower back and had this pain in my legs. I had to have surgery to correct it.
Today I went to urgent care and sure enough, my symptoms are consistent with a bulging or a herniated disc. Lovely. There's a chance the round of steroids I'm on will magically fix it, but if not I have to put a pause on the baby making. I'm currently on my period so I'm safe through the end of the current steroid dose. If I'm still having symptoms after that though, I'll be looking at ibuprofen, MRIs and possibly surgery... None of which is very baby safe.
This sucks. Prayers that the steroids work are greatly appreciated!!!

No baby this month... :-(

I'll spare you the gory details, but it's quite safe to say that my baby dreams for this month are over.... Thank you, aunt flo for once again crushing a little part of me.
It may have actually been a blessing this month. Several years ago I had a pinched nerve in my back that resulted in severe nerve pain in my right leg and severe numbness in my foot. I had surgery to remove a portion of the disc in 2009. This past week I've been having similar symptoms in my hands, arms and shoulders. Some times my fingers are so numb I drop whatever I'm holding because I can't tell that I'm not holding it tightly anymore. I went to the urgent care but they couldn't do anything since I might have been pregnant. Now that I'm definitely not, they can shoot me up with radiation until I glow.... Or figure out what's wrong with me, whichever comes first. Hopefully they can fix this quickly since I'm fairly certain they're going to suggest we stop TTC while they work on getting me fingers again.
The other good thing about my period? Ativan! My doctor won't put me on any antidepressants while I'm not on birth control because they're not considered safe for pregnancy, but she did give me Ativan that I can take while I'm actually on my period. I'm feeling quite relaxed tonight if you can't tell. If I seem rambley or out of it, I apologize. :-)
So tomorrow my day off will be spent sleeping and then at urgent care once I wake up. That may not be until afternoon though!

CD30

Today is cycle day 30- before the depo when my cycle wasn't all out of whack, I would've started my period today. I worked today and I kept feeling leaks. I kept running to the bathroom thinking my period was starting. All I had was light brown thick stuff. Eventually the color lightened and it changed to clear. There was a bunch of it all afternoon, but never any bright red period blood. Not sure what that means!
My employer requires me to work with hazardous chemicals that have been known to cause miscarriages. We dont use them all day, so in the past I've simply switched tasks with someone else at that point. They told me that was okay before. Now today they pulled me aside and told me that people were complaining. I'm pretty sure I know who it is. Makes me pretty angry!

One little line...

I shouldn't test early, I know. But I can't help it! Its a waste of money because if it's negative, I'm just going to test again in a few days. But if it's positive, I'd believe that!
I guess I should just focus on the positives of not being a mom right now. Like, I just slept 12 hours straight. No way a baby would let me do that!

Still waiting....

I have such high hopes this month because of all those positive tests that waiting is killing me. I gave up and tested last Friday, which of course was negative because it was, at most, 9 dpo. Af is due wednesday... How can I possibly wait until then?? Stick, baby, stick!

MIL rant / plea for advice

When we were dating, MIL loved me, even pressured us to get married sooner, before we were ready. Pretty much all that changed the day dh and I got engaged and I opted for continueing to call her by her first name instead of calling her "mom". I think that day I officially dashed her hopes of us all moving in together and being one big, weird, happy family. (I'm not even kidding- she suggested we all move in together several times.)
Ever since then, it's been crap on top of crap from her. Once, she agreed to meet me at a store to give me something I'd forgotten at her house. She didn't show up and I waited for an hour and she didn't even bother to call. When we confronted her, she got so mad that we questioned her that she didnt speak to us for days.
After the wedding, she was really mad that we didn't let her plan part of it, so we agreed that she could plan a party for the extended family we hadn't invited. She planned a wedding reception, complete with a 3 tier cake with a cake topper, a full meal, a first dance and an elaborately decorated tent. That wasn't what upset me though, since it was a party for the family I had invited. But then we found out 3 days before that she had invited everyone we had invited plus some... There were many more people at her party than my wedding. It looked like to my family that she didn't like my reception (which she made very clear) so she replaced it. My reception was small and simple so it seemed like it was a small party at the wedding and her's was my actual reception. We waited until after the party and brought it up to her that it hurt my feelings. She wouldn't even listen, just hung up the phone. The next thing we heard (and the last thing for 3 months) was from his grandmother that we were no longer part of the family. The only way the fight ended were these terms presented to me by my MIL: I had to apologize and agree to never question her again. (her exact words were I needed to let dh hug me and give my insecurities to Jesus and not talk to her about them. I'm not even a little bit kidding, that's a direct quote.) I agreed for dh's sake, just glad it was over.
But of course it wasn't as simple as that. We've heard several times from several people that MIL trashes me relentlessly as soon as I leave, even in front of extended family. She even told my sister in law to be the entire story, spinning it that she did nothing wrong and I was inconsiderate and tore the family apart.
At the family gathering on Sunday, they decided to take a picture of the family. They lined everyone up except me. Dh pointed that out and they said "let's take this one first". Once they took that one, they told everyone they were done. Dh and I felt slapped in the face. Then when they posted it on fb, they tagged me in it! I seriously considered removing the tag and commenting that I wasn't in the picture!
Dh and I have decided to not say anything. We have decided that MIL won't be allowed to be around our kids unless one of us is present. It will be easy when they're babies bcuz I'm planning to be a sahm and breast feed- if I have to leave them, I'll leave them with my mom and she can just think I never leave them. When they get older, it'll be harder. We already know she trashes me when I'm not around and we don't want her do that to our kids.
What do you think of our current course of action? What would you do in my shoes?

And so it ends... And begins.

Thanks to my forgetfulness, I didn't test Saturday or Sunday. I meant to buy more tests and forgot, oops! So today I got some at Walmart and tested, and it's definitely negative. (I did drink a lot of water so I'm planning on testing again tomorrow just to be sure, but I feel confident saying my positive ovulation streak is over.)
So now that ovulation is done, I'm in the lovely 2ww. I'm really hopeful that since my OPKs were positive for so long it's a really good sign, so waiting is going to be even more agonizing than usual!!! AF is due august 10... A whole week and a half away! How will I live that long? Haha.... Come on sperm, stick! Go boys, go!

In other news, today is my 2nd wedding anniversary. :-) I love you, baby!